When Triggers connects you to God, Yourself and Your Past - Part 1

 

I decided to write an important post on August 1&2, 2023, which will end up being a 2 parter about how during the nighttime I’ve been over doing it with the food more often lately, which isn’t ideal.  Oh it’s not like I don’t know I need to get the food in, as I often can’t eat for days, but doing so if possible in a more reasonable manner would be ideal. Unfortunately by the end of it I was in a huge amount of excruciating pain from all the food I ate.

It was bad, as I was just forcing it down again by the end of it😞 – and on a bad note some of it was coming back up.

It really really made me hate myself so much.  It made me feel so ugly, fat, shame, extremely out of control, and so much negative stuff, which I feel so deeply inside of me.

I'm sure my different childhood traumas with my dad controlling stuff & also other traumas stuff I don’t want to talk about is connected to how I was feeling about myself after overdoing it with the food – as addictions, giving into yourself, through comfort, negative thoughts, trying to  control things, even when it’s bad for you - are all symptoms of the underlying deeper core issues from a traumatic past.

I wrote more about Aug. 2 – Part 1 of all the things that went on later.

 

After overdoing it with the food yesterday evening I didn’t think I’d be up for more in the morning of Aug. 2, 2023, as – originally I was quite full, didn’t sleep much and my mood had been bad.

But somehow things seem to have relaxed by the time I got to the Food Bank with my Mom and brother J.  I ended up having the breakfast of champions 😉 - I had couple of donuts, which I couldn’t resist as it had been forever since I had one, - so the temptation was quite high, and when I had a donut I got so excited, I ended up having 2 hehe 😊.  I had some cookies and thought oh my I need to at least have something reasonable so I had a meal replacement bar.

I know it wasn’t the greatest of ideas to have that as my breakfast, but at least I had some fun with it and also having something to eat after I normally would have fasted is not a bad thing  – Though for a short time it improved my mood – it was only for a Moment as later I got super triggered – as my underlining mental state from last night was still very much there in a bad place – just lingering there.

After my Mom, brother J. and I got home that lingering bad state was very much there and I was starting to hate myself again and getting so self-conscious of my body, and feeling that ugliness, out of control state etc. from eating more earlier, as my ED brain was starting to scream at me again.

So being in a very agitated state wasn’t ideal when my brother J. had wanted me to do the camera part for this little skit he wanted to do.

And J. was like, “Patricia Patricia - make sure you sleep well Friday if we do the video with my friends that day.”

Then I mentioned to my brother I was in a bad mental state & I was like, "I Can't promise on the day that I can do it."

Mom was like J., “Let it go, and don't pressure her as she can't promised how she'll be on that day.”

I was still in a bad anxious state when Jonathan noticed what seems like me itching, but I was holding my nails in my arms as I was getting so antsy that I occasionally would dig it into my shirt or skin when I was so overwhelmed – as I was trying to get that anxious energy out somehow, but also trying not to get to the point of actually hurting myself.

That’s when J. was like was like “Oooh Patricia my appendix scar gets itchy too sometimes”  That slightly calmed me as I laughed a little through the stress.

So after that I let J. show me the script he had and I was trying to concentrate on it - but I could tell I wouldn't even be able to visualize just filming his video of the skit he wanted to do, and I was getting even more anxious again.

With that I was shaking a bunch & Mom was like “Don't you see that Patricia is not in a good state - leave her alone”.

Then J. said “It's up to her - I just want her to film it - or Mom you can do it”.

Then Mom's like “Leave it J.!!! It's up to Patricia if she wants to or not!”

Then because I was already stressing soooooo much about the Food stuff and the gut stuff - I couldn’t hold my emotions in - I suddenly screamed and hit my head 4x “I can't!!”  - with that I also said to myself while I did that “I Hate myself, I Hate myself, I Hate myself, I Hate Myself” as I cried in a ball on the kitchen floor.

Mom ran to me - as I started to cry and cry and cry and I said “I'm sooooo sorry J. as I didn’t mean to get angry and hurt myself”.

Then Mom said “You see, you got Patricia soo anxious You are making her upset”.

I said to Mom “Please Go to J., go to J. Please!!!!!

Mom's like okay in a very concerned voice, but she didn’t want to at first, but she decided to listen to me since I was so persistent about that.

I knew J. told me before this, which I heard from Mom, that my sudden screaming that randomly would happen with me, upsets him a bunch and he would rather me not be here - if stuff like that kept happening – as before this he mentioned that “ohh it's nice having you be around recently”.

Honestly I can say that I was liking J. more than I used to – So I was thinking that - when I suddenly got triggered - I don't want to hurt or upset J.

So I wanted to be sure Mom comforted J. - as I never wanted anyone to see me hurt myself - but when it happened I couldn't stop myself as it was automatic.

I was hating myself so much before that - and wow all that raw emotions came out.

So I ran up to the toilet and I was looking in the mirror crying and saying – “I Love you God, I love you God, I loved you God” - then I saw myself calmly with my finger by my eyebrow area I stroked that area softly. – With that I felt I heard Elohim (God) & someone else I heard in my head the song “Hush little Baby- don't say a Word, Momma's going to…” etc. song - And it helped - yet when I'm in my "bad negative/Selfish mood I felt nothing".

But when I got super emotional crying I suddenly calmed down – as I did that somehow self soothed - listened to the loving side of me & Elohim I noticed - that's where I was Reachable

I realized that a lot of the angry side of me was taking over so much from earlier, which I was trying to repress, but because those emotions got so strong – any little thing ended up blowing up as I was super on edge.  There are always two parts of me that are fighting with trying to love me to get better and trying to hate me to get better, between the two of them the hating/angry one more often wins, because I often feel like I can’t stand up against it.

But tonight I let Elohim and my loving part calm me down, and I decided to listen to the hateful/angry part, as it was upset that I would over doing it with things, and giving into things so easily, when things have been so hard for it when I was younger, so it was like it was happening again ☹.

So though it wasn’t ideal that I hit myself, and blew up so to speak, those emotions and talking to myself calmly after was so needed, and it helped that my Elohim was there to catch me.

When things got really bad in the past, as well as tonight I often end up actually dissociating, and those parts I talked about being the hateful angry part, and the loving part can come through.

And though I so frequently believed I don't have D.I.D. seeing myself fall into it, in extreme stress, showed me it was another way that I learned how to cope when I was super struggling.

That night I was like woooooahhh this is real - and it's like I forgot about having that, as it had been years since I dissociated into a part of myself – but this time I ended up being open to the different parts that wanted to speak to me both in the bad and good moments I was having now and in the past.

I talked about the night of the one of the worst panic attack’s at the time that I had almost 3 ½ years ago connected to making a promise of not wanting to take my life to my hubby and Elohim (God) – but then feeling it so strongly that I wanted to after with Mom about it - and it's crazy – as unknown to me I have been still dissociating here and there - but in a different way - I feel like I literally trapped myself again inside myself & I just didn't realize it.😳

I said this before to my hubby - that I often seem to be reachable, is when my emotions get sooooo overwhelmed that real tears come over me - the rest of the times I feel so disconnected - but I don't want to always be in this intense state to be able to connect with Him & myself.

I know I am still here, but that dark - super hatred part of me & whatnot & Scared part of me & whatnot seems to be what stayed or possibly woke up today, and - I don't know - the hateful/angry side and the loving side got locked and part of it opened up when those intense emotions came out and thankfully Elohim and both sides opened up enough that I could be angry at the situation I am in and to love myself.  As before those sides of me were trapped.

It was amazing that when all that was coming up I got a text from my hubby randomly saying

I Love You ❤️.  It really showed me Elohim was still showing up, by having an encouraging message show up when I needed it the most from someone that I love so much.

I was worried about feeling detached, but it was more about getting scared again about eating & choosing right from wrong & having No comfort until I eat - Terrified on both ends of it, of to Stave or Not – to Eat or Not.

So I was just so overwhelmed by everything I broke down, but I needed that and I was so touched that my Mom, Elohim, my hubby, and even parts of myself I normally would be ignore let surface – so I could get that energy out after I went a little too far with the random hitting myself.  I needed help and Elohim was there for me after.

It helped me realize I For Sure Need Treatment!!!! - which my Mom and I are praying I get to a place that does everything and there’s a chance H.W. could be that as I have an Intake Interview with them on Aug. 8, 2023.

I was saying to my hubby, it's for sure getting sooooo hard with the extreme need to not want to be Here & then a bunch of food addiction stuff – my super strong emotions and so much Pressure - But I am starting to truly Believe - This is His End Game for the good that Elohim is guiding me to.❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

On a walk I was saying to my Mom – “I CAN'T STOP MYSELF" with my food addiction and super dark mental struggles.

And Mom said “He knows!!!!”

I said to my Mom and my hubby that I'm feeling more & more ready for ED Treatment - I can tell Oooooohhhh my that it is going to be a Battle not only to get me there - but also after - That's why I've been doing a “Quick knock & run away” post- that way God has options.

But I know if I could just snap my Fingers and I was on that other side of recovery, gut and mentally better, connecting with Elohim (God), and people, and this good Life – I'd take that now! But it's the in the meantime I really struggle with - so I tend to give up pretty easily- but somehow I need to keep going.

 

My best friend R. said as I mentioned in that a “Quick knock & run away” post

"It's the race that's hard. But visualizing yourself and the finish line and having tangible goals is important or you have nothing to work toward. Your "why" needs to matter more than staying sick does.” 

So yeah working on that.

So think though that I'm starting to realize why I was born into the family I was born into from Elohim.  I felt like He was like “you are part of the glue and that keeps this family together.”

I was like “Nahhh... That's Mom”

Elohim was like “You are the one that has a Heart of Gold & I was thinking it's Black.

Elohim reminded me that I always try to protect everyone – that even in your pain - you still want to help ❤️.

I think He's showing that Mom plays her own role - But my role in this family is more than I expected as I cared so much for everyone growing up & and then some.  I admit later I felt a disconnect with my family – from the struggles I have had.

But this healing time being here at home living with Mom for now we’ve seen healing.  So it’s like starting to learn how to love and like them all over again🥰.

I think Elohim was telling me, “It’s Okay - I got them - I know you've been trying to protect them & yourself and everyone else your Wholeeeeee Life - It's My Turn - to Protect You- which still terrifies me like crazy - I know Insanity - Considering how much Elohim's kept me safe!! But I'm a Super Control Freak - Super Freak - Super Freak – was thinking of that song hehe🥰😉. 

I know how crazy things were today, but I am glad in the end that I got to work through some hard moments with my Elohim (God), my Mom, hubby, and even parts of myself.

So those out there, though I know how very difficult it is to get those emotions out I hope you can learn in time to love yourself – as everyone is deserving of love.

Patricia    <3   :)

 

Psalms 34:17     When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears and delivers them out of all their troubles.

 

-part 2 is continued about getting triggered at Church that same night on Aug. 2, 2023 – the post is called “When a Triggered Sorry is More than Sorry - part 2”

 

Here’s a song about remembering to take a leap of faith with our Elohim (God) and diving in life with Him and taking chances even if things get hard as it’ll be better with Him there.

 

“Dive” by Steven Curtis Chapman

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ghi1pVtJ5zs&list=PL3whQX319DaB37iB8NZpJe206iSdpe3kc&index=93