The Insanity of an Addiction

This one is a longer than normal post as it spans over 5 days that I had a bunch of times between July 15-20, 2023 where my extreme hunger and cravings caused me to consistently overdo it unfortunately with the food and the experiences I had with that.  So with that I  decided to write an important post about that.

 

On July 15, 2023 I didn't sleep much later that evening because of the Extreme overeating I did before that, which got me to the point of being Beyond Past Extremely Full.  It even brought on a Migraine by the end of the large amount of food I ended up having.   Besides not sleeping much as I said it also put me in an extreme depression and terror state where I kept screaming to myself – and seeing no way out of this horrible place I put myself in ☹.

All this because I wanted to use up the Ice Cream I wanted so badly as well as to use up the Yummy Snacks I tend to eat when I want a “good show to watch/feel better with.” As I felt if I ate through the tempting foods I loved then it wouldn’t be there later.  Yet I could have given it to someone else to take away from me – and get rid of it – but because they were my foods to start with – I didn’t want to waste money, and because I liked them so much I only wanted to eat them up myself – which ends up being a lose lose situation.

I know these are crazy ideas, but I couldn’t seem to switch them off as they were so strong inside of me.  I also thought if I ate enough of the foods that I’ll get grossed out by them that I it won’t want it anymore – get tired of it – bored of it etc. then I won’t want them anymore.

But clearly all of this is an excuse for the Food Addiction/ED/Fears/Obsessions/Compulsion – to stay around/cling to me as well as having the enemy to continue to have a hold on me.

Because often after I crazy over do it with eating it causes me so much pain that my body won’t let me eat for days after and in the meantime even though for a moment it calmed me, for the rest of the time it makes me feel so guilty and disgusted about myself – and the crazy thing is I was still having more and more foods even when I was already in a lot of pain - as I give into the food temptations that seem so yummy & use things up stuff almost every time - which seem to make me feel better & "doing the right thing for me"- ends up making things so much worse

& pushing me to the super beyond extreme with my ED/Food Addiction as well as my Obsessions, Fears and Compulsions.

And yet I Massively Struggle to Stop all these Behaviours- even though I see the horribleness it is doing to me and my Loved ones😳🥺😟😞😔.

The insanity is a part of me still protects/keeps that secretive/manipulative/addictive horrible horrible side of myself around – as it appears there's still a part of me that "wants it/needs it/thinks it'll makes things better." - which is so Very Scary & Sad that it has that huge of a Stronghold on me😔😟 and that it/I massively struggle to let that side go of me and Forever Put my Elohim, Loved ones & myself above it all, which is  “The Insanity of an Addiction”.

 

The next day on July 16, 2023 I was having an Beyond Extremely Difficult Mental Day - Feeling so tortured - the Escaping through My Food Addiction & Enemy, etc. is so strong - I feel in a Desperate State - I want to run away/take my life - yet I want it all to Stop, but I can't stop - yet I just want all the foods, etc. errrrr…

When things were at it’s worst I just wanted to jump out of the car when my Mom was driving - I had to grab my hand and Tell myself No!!! in my head to stop it. 

I then prayed to My Elohim (God) I can't seem to find a way Out of this God - I just Keep Giving in - as the Pressure is sooooo Strong with wanting to Hurt myself – as well as just giving into the Hunger - My fight seem so far away - I'm too weak to Resist Lord😔.

It's sooooo bad.  I feel like I can't Stop - I don't know how I'm going to Make it when I don't let You and others help me. When I desperately need rescuing from myself😔😞.

Oh Lord I wish you could Save me from Myself as I can't.  I don't know how to Purge the evilness from me. I know so many people Love me & I love them.  I’m crying out to your Lord as I need Your help - But I don't know how to get me to Help myself as it's a Mind thing - and I am Held captive. 

After over doing it with the food again in the evening, yes I know, I can’t believe I’m still doing this when I have so many reasons to stop – but I feel completely out of control – and this time after I finished I did something I haven’t done in a long time as I know my sweet hubby doesn’t want me to massively put myself down but fell into that again as I was trying to get myself to stop my behaviours.

This time I couldn’t stop the really negative thoughts – as I was just Stuffing the food down Way Past the Capacity point earlier this evening and I was feeling sooooo gross & the food was gross to me & I was like 

"You Disgusting Pig"!! as I got more food in - in pain – and then I looked at the Window as I was in the Kitchen & I was like "You are sooooo Disgustingly Fat & Ugly!!!! 

I Hate You Sooo Much!!!

You Need to Starve Yourself - You Pathetic Pig.!!"

I clearly was in a really really bad state.  It’s terrifying to have it where your body has been starved for years and you suddenly have extreme hunger and craving and don’t know what to do with it – as trying to eat normally hasn’t been a thing for years because of the Gut issues.  So sure I’m happy I can eat again, but not like this 😔.

 

On July 18, 2023 I was having my regular food with my Mom and brother earlier, but later I started hide eating what I was having in case my Mom came by which made me realize I have a serious problem - As I was hiding eating my Food I tend to overdo it with my Snacking foods, which tends to be what I go towards with the super strong craving urges come up.  It's gets really bad for me.

The scary thing is this happened to me when I was a teenager when I was very much into my Anorexia – where suddenly I would get hungry & after I had to go to SickKids ED Program as I got so low - and was in and out of hospital for most of my gr.11 year - I ended up gaining like 40 pounds quickly because I was doing these crazy eating patterns - after craving the carbs and sweets.  I wasn’t over weight technically with the 40 extra pounds as I was soo low, so I needed to gain that weight, but still the way I gained that weight wasn’t the greatest.

So now that my Gut pains have been relaxing - it seems my ED is much more at the frontline again so it's become as one word I used for myself "Bingerexia" and that’s eat too much – get gut pains - feeling guilty I ate too much as well as I actually did eat too much so that I can't eat for days.

But this time it's the worst I've ever had as the food cravings/thoughts are constant/the suicidal thoughts are here every day, but now there is terror with not being able to make decisions and face life at all - so I just do what comforts me - food - but it's not enough.

Then there's my writing obsessions - phone stuff - not letting myself do anything - including getting help as when I want it - something in me/makes myself/causes me to not accept the help, as I am so terrified of doing anything new or something to get me better.  Often it'll take me hours to do a little simple task that would take minutes for less - it's really bad 😔.

So after all this evening struggles I ended up being honest with Mom about having a serious Food Addiction/ED/Bingeing and Starving problem not to mention other things.

I for sure acknowledge I have a problem - but I don't know how to stop it when part of me still wants to - as it's when I feel the most normal and okay/makes me feel better - and about the only thing I seem to be able to do for the past while😔 .

But it's Terrifying that majority of the time when I start eating something I frequently can't stop.  So I get to the point of way over doing it - and it's just gotten worse and worse and worse - it makes me feel so bad mentally and physically so much.

And Because you can't avoid Eating it's so bad - as it's not something I can just not do - like when I stopped cutting – as I have to eat😔. 

It's Brutal and I wake up in a Terror of what to eat - what to do with my life - feeling beyond depressed and anxious - exhausted - tired - unmotivated - guilty - I don't care, etc. - wanting to do nothing - wishing I wasn't here.

I try to feel something, but I find I have no interests but food – and time never ends - I can't get through the day - not sleep - gut pain - don't eat for 1 day 2 or even 3 days.

I have it where I have no gut pain and too hungry – or not hungry enough - wanting certain foods - wanting Snackies - wanting yummy foods, wanting all foods!!! -wanting to take my life!!!  Then having my yummy foods and watching my shows and I can finally breathe - as I almost always do that together.

It’s also a huge thing for me as the experience of those together make it pretty amazing - but it usually is certain shows or movies for myself - and I generally like to eat for the whole episode - which can cause me to eat more sometimes.

But now it's so much worse as that hunger & cravings never seem to want to end.

It's really a brutal cycle - and all this because I'm trying to escape from myself & my darkness & not knowing how to get that terrible part of me out that won't let go/stop giving into that "I want what I want/can't seem to try to really get better and fully submit part of me that needs to go.

So it's hard for me to see hope – as there’s Sooooo much behind all the addiction and struggles.

The more I talked and wrote about my problems the more I came to realize I was more like my brother J.  He is like me in the sense that I only want what I want – and also just accepts the help I want, instead of necessarily what I need in the end, even if it's bad.

-as I have all these rules & compulsions I feel I have to follow – as well as new things always freak me out.

So though I know help is very much needed - I almost always do what I've done before - which keeps me trapped. 

I feel this need more than before that I need say the truth be honest/just blab about my complaints - as it's hard to keep it in at times – my brother J. and I can be similar in that way, though with different Obsessions & Addictions – though I think J. has that but with more extreme with his type ones. 

 

But the major struggle is Not Giving Into Things.  As that's what brings the Struggles so badly, but Depression & Anxiety is so Brutal I generally Don't resist well.

 

Then I decided to cry out again to my Elohim (God)

 “I'm sorry my Elohim that though you send help a gazillion times over – and I seem to rarely actually accept it.

  I'm Massively stuck in the Super Selfish only do what helps me state - like J. and so many others - addiction/pain/selfishness really is a dangerous combination.

Please forgive me.  I know it's not your fault that things have gone so wrong.

  Clearly that's my fault - I still want my Way & it's insane - oh my Elohim I hate that the pull is so strong & I struggle to resist the wrong way.

  My Sweet Elohim - I don't know how I'll get there - Reach Me where I am Reachable as the battle is so strong - but You are Stronger Than the enemy and everything else.

I desperately need that Emptiness in me to be filled by you - as that's where my Ugliness, Shame, Hate & Self-loaving darkness comes from – which is likely from my past traumas so you can help me move on with my life.”

 

I even Punched the Patricia Scripture Pillow that Mom got me - that has a young lady that looks like me Praying on it, but I ended up feeling bad and then softly showing I was sorry by softly stroking the girl with my hand as well as saying I am sorry with my voice.

But it's how I feel inside with lots of Hate/but feel bad after and feel I am so weak and give in so easily, but understanding too why I am , it's sooooo errrr.  It's a battle constantly, Glad I do something even if it's bad and or not the best thing for me & don't care, yet also feeling Guilty that I do and do care.

 

Then on July 20, 2023 sadly after 8 years I did something I didn’t think I’d do again, after yet again eating way too much I finally gave in and made myself throw up intentionally what I ate.  I really felt oooh so much shame and guilt about this. 

I actually ended up doing it 1 more time after this, but I promised myself after that I wouldn’t do that again– and I told myself to not get too down on myself, that I made mistakes, but it doesn’t mean I have to completely fall back into it.

I’m not saying it’s a good thing to fall back so badly into such self-destructive behaviours, but it is important to keep standing up and trying again.  So yup I’m putting out what someone who has an addiction/obsession inside of themselves looks like – as it’s not “pretty” but it’s more about the person hurting inside soooo much that they go to whatever “helps them” feel better whether that’s good or bad.

Though it seems like there is no end to this – there are still those out there that do want to help us including our loved ones, Elohim and of course professionals that deal with people who are hurting so much inside.

So don’t give up, as in the end you just want that pain to stop and in time it will <3.

Patricia   <3   :)

 

James 4:10   Humble yourselves before the Lord, and He will exalt you.

 

Here’s a song about right now all I can taste is bitter tears and only see clouds of sorrow and a difficult side of pain, it’s about losing someone so close and it seems the weeping will never end, but in time our Elohim (God) will wipe every tear in our eyes away, and make everything new, you just have to wait and see <3.

 

“See” by Steven Curtis Chapman

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-25KlfLJOFg&list=PL3whQX319DaB37iB8NZpJe206iSdpe3kc&index=87