Terrified Stuck State

 

I decided to write an important post about when I got into this Terrifying Stuck State suddenly at one point when I was having a very difficult day, on July 4, 2023.  I was staying at my mother’s place, and my childhood home, as things have gotten really hard with my struggling to want to live and my gut issues still not going away.

My hubby and I very very much love each other, but we were realizing that sometimes seeing constant pain in a loved one can be too much, especially when the other person needs to work as well.

So we both decided that it would probably be a good idea to go to my mom’s place, so that my mom can try to help me with these continued very hard times, that way it’s not all on my precious hubby to have to keep trying to care for me all these years of my gut & mental struggles.

So while I was at my mom’s place I suddenly was getting into this terrifying stuck state.

I wanted to go take my earrings off and put them in the basement, which was two floors down.  I just couldn't seem to get myself to barley move.  I was stuck upstairs - and all I could do, it seemed, was to pop pimples, over and over and over.  And so I kept doing that, I couldn’t even get myself to go to the washroom.  I was somehow stuck in my own mind and my body wasn’t letting me hardly move to where I needed to go.

It’s not likely my legs didn’t work, but I was paralyzed inside myself, and it would seem my body was reacting to it.

I suddenly couldn't make decisions anymore, which happened while I was at my Mom’s place, which was about what I was going to eat there and it completely paralyzed me when I realized I didn’t know what I was going to be able to eat, or have exactly the same things I was having while at my husband and my place.

At this point I couldn’t actually eat anything because my gut pains where pretty bad, but I, as usual, was crazy stressing about what I’d possibly eat the next day and not knowing what to do about it.

As I had based my whole life to the way I eat.  I would eat only what would work for my hubby and I previously, so that I didn’t have room for the option to change things.

I told myself I had to eat only the things that needed to be eaten up of what we bought, especially things that could go bad soon.  I also would only eat what was the closest BB date for things, as I didn’t want to waste any food or money, when it comes to eating.

From an outsider’s perspective that sounds reasonable, you just want to make sure that you don’t waste food, or only having what’s in the house.

But when it becomes such an obsession, of always needing to have certain things, or only having the same things over and over.  It can cause a person like me to get stuck in such a habit and routine, that anything outside of that becomes terrifying as it’s not only out of your comfort zone, but there’s no room for change or unexpected things that come up. 

It can cause a person to stop thinking and turn off their brain, which then it would seem that I don’t really need to figure out what I really wanted, or make decisions and deal with that, as so to speak “life chooses it for you”.

So it’s like you just get pushed around with the wind, like a leaf, instead of being a bird and flying where you need to go.

So I realized that I was suddenly put in a place where I actually had to make a choice for myself, and I wasn’t prepared, as normally I plan absolutely everything when it comes to what I eat.

I’ve had to do that so much more because my gut stuff doesn’t always let me be able to eat.  So I try to arrange my whole life around it.  Because I’ve become so depressed, my life has only become about food.

So for someone else not having all there regular foods around, would be fine, as well you just pick them up, or you adapt and have something else.  Because those weren’t in place, and I had become so depressed, I was feeling like life was meaningless and I wasn’t caring about anyone or even about food.

So when I couldn’t make a decision about what I wanted to eat, and there not being all my foods at my mom’s place, I just couldn’t cope.  It came on so strongly and suddenly when I realized I just couldn’t deal with not knowing what I was going to eat.

My thoughts that went through my head about eating and food were – would it hurt my gut more, what should I have, I don’t know how to do life when there wasn’t a clear path as to what I should do.

I was screaming and yelling at God “Please I can't move - please take that stuck defiant I want what I want/very terrified me that I refused to change out of me, as I just wanted to give up because I didn’t want to deal.”  I was like “Oh Lord - I just wanted to throw myself down the stairs” I was freaking out so much, but at the same time I was like “Nooo I can’t!!!”

I just couldn't see a way out of it.  Which is likely in some ways keeping me safe even if I was in the frozen can’t move much state.

The crazy thing is that this just started from the Chicken Meatballs that I really wanted to bring to my mom’s place.  They are a staple for me when it comes to my meat, but I didn’t actually think about them until just about when my mom was there to pick me up at my home and we were about to leave to go back to her place.

I kept asking, and practically bagging to have them, when I suddenly remembered about them, but because it was an hour drive, there just wasn’t time to go back and get them, as well as mom suspected she wouldn’t have any room in her freezer to fit them.

I did just want my way, but also more so, it was me not being prepared with suddenly making a choice and not knowing what I wanted – that freaked me out.  So when I set my life up a certain way and it suddenly changes so quickly I can’t seem to handle it.

As this point as I said nothing motivated me anymore, and I felt so depressed about not wanting to change, and I had so much anxiety when not having things planned out.  I totally felt like I was losing control and wasn’t ready for it.

I just didn't know what to do, and I had this refusal to let go of what I felt I needed – instead of what Elohim (God) wanted for me.  He wanted me to be more adaptive with myself even if it was scary for me in the meantime, as my way was too restrictive.

But because I didn’t want to change, and was so scared of that, it kept me in this Terrifying Stuck State and I just wanted the “I don’t care about doing the right thing”. –  I was like please get it out of me - I was so terrified of the unknown, but I didn’t want to be stuck “forever” there.

It seemed like at first I got into that Terrified Stuck State because I hadn’t figured out about the food, but the deeper part – what it was really more about is that – I just couldn't motivate myself to do anything in my life when I felt I couldn’t adapt to it.

So after being in this state a few hours is when mom got home.  I finally was able to do something, which was go to the washroom.

I still was in such a state even after that – so my mom prayed a whole bunch, and we tried doing the whole casting out unclean spirits, but it seemed like it was way more then me just really struggling with my indecisiveness.

It was like I literally couldn't move on with my life – I couldn't see past it – as I seemed to have based my whole life on the way I ate – and something was holding me frozen there.

Mom kept saying I know you won't always be like this, as God will get you through this to the other side.  I couldn't see a way out and my mom said how about just coming downstairs first – when you can.

So after an hour or 2 I finally got myself and my body to move and go downstairs.  Mom said when it came to making decisions in life and what not – she said how about we don't worry about that and just come tomorrow to the food bank that she was volunteering at.  She said God will help you, just give all this turmoil to Him.

But it was still so difficult for me to get myself to even come downstairs.

Mom helped me by saying since you say you aren't able to eat right now, so let's not worry about trying to figure out what to eat until later.

Eventually after mom had supper, and I was able to come downstairs.

I mentioned how my hubby and I ate at home – and basing my whole life and food decisions on what we eat and using only those things up that would go bad first, or things we have.

And having it where I had to make a choice and I didn’t plan for I couldn't figure out what to do.

I started to mention the things I tend to like to have and having a bunch of options, though normally freaks me out, would help to give me options

But then finally after mom randomly mentioned there were bunnies around outside, I got my slippers on, which considering it took me hours to come downstairs, was something in the state I was just in before that.  Thinking about seeing the bunnies and how cute they would be – got me up. 

So not long after that, it got me started moving again more and I finally seemed to get myself to do stuff again.

So Mom and I went to the grocery store near by, and we just looked around, it took sometime, to see what I wanted, besides what I already thought I might want, which wanting burgers.

I got a surprise that the turkey burgers that I’ve had for years, we out of stuck probably for a year or more, when suddenly they were in the grocery store that my Mom and I went to.  The funny thing is if I had brought my meatballs I was sooo stressed about not being able to bring to my Mom’s place, then there wouldn’t have been enough room for the Turkey Burgers I had missed out in over a year, which I for sure wanted more, so in someways that was meant to be, even if it crazy tripped me up.

Mom asked if wanted more of the chicken meatballs from the store, but I said I could wait until the next time we were back at my place, which was really saying something.

It’s Crazy how all this Terrified Stuck State all started when I suddenly wouldn't have my staple Chicken Meatballs and I couldn't cope not knowing what I would have instead as well as I didn't want to use anything else more of the same product, as I knew it would be siting in my freezer at home, not being used and I’d have to consume later, which would add to all the foods I needed to eat up before it goes bad.

I was worrying about what I would do, as I couldn't even figure out what I wanted to eat - as everything was different with eating just for yourself as you really make so much different food for 2 people, compared to one.  I had to base it on what someone else wanted, compared to what I wanted just for myself, which I didn’t know.

I noticed when I was finally up and moving, I find like I can do stuff, not always, but getting to that point is so difficult sometimes for me.

There's still something that holds me back almost always – and it's crazy just seeing how much I get stuck when something in me – that just won't let go and let me do anything when I don't want do something – or even when I do.

I know there’s a part of me that I need to give up – but it’s so hard as I think – I'm the only one that is right, that I don't care if I need to do the right thing – I just want to do my thing!!!

But I pray Elohim (God) helps get me to the point where I completely submit to what I need to do in this life – But I just can't/don't seem to know how to get there.

But He knows what's best, so I pray He will in time get me where's I need to be.

I know for sure Elohim was looking out for me that day, even if it didn't seem like it at first, as he helped by letting my Mom be available to help me get me out of that terrifying stuck state at some point.

I can tell that Elohim was also, and is still trying to help build me up from the ground floor so to speak, though I was stock at the top of the stairs, and couldn’t move, He didn’t leave me, He was still there with me, trying to open me up more.

It’s like if you had something extremely painful in you that needs to be taken out, it’s going to hurt a lot at first, but after in time, as you heal, it feels so much better.  I think Elohim was trying to do that.  The enemy was trying to take advantage of my extreme fear and anxiety, but Elohim (God) is so much stronger than that, and He just wants to help build me up too.  Sometimes you have to really become broken, so that He can mend you up properly.

So never lose hope even when there doesn’t seem like there is any, as often when you are near the end of the battle is when it is at its fiercest.  So keep holding on, and He’ll get you to that other side of Victory that we all want with Him.

Patricia <3  :)

 

Psalm 56:3-4     When I am afraid, I put my trust in You.  In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I shall not be afraid.  What can flesh do to me?

 

Here’s a song about being stuck in your own little world when you end up only noticing yourself, instead of the people around you, and showing that there is a bigger purpose with Elohim (God) – outside my own little world.  I get that especially when I’m struggling so much focusing on my pain – but when I see what others are going through – it helps me to stop worrying about myself and help others.

 

“My Own Little World” by Matthew West

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1OaqjPt8phA&list=PL3whQX319DaB37iB8NZpJe206iSdpe3kc&index=78