Sun peaking through after a storm

 

I decided to write an important post on when my Mom was just commenting about my hair being so short on July 11, 2023 and if I did anything to it have it shorter, and I said no it keeps getting shorter and that my hubby said it stays shorter because it keeps breaking early on, and it is also thin likely because of my health being the not so good for so long, though it’s not as crazy super thin when it first was falling out like crazy a year or more ago.

But it's interesting, as it's seems my hair to be going back up to the short length after I cut my very long hair and donated it almost 10 years ago as of November of this year.  I can't believe it's been that long since I last had it cut.  Hehe maybe Elohim's (God’s) bringing me back to myself again and hopefully that will be someday soon – and I’m hoping that I will be in a happier better place with myself, Elohim and others then.

Of course it would be even better to be in a place of true healing, as even back then, though I may have seemed happy I really wasn't inside, as I was still carrying around a lot of darkness that I was able to keep away from others more easily back then.

Like I talked about what’s been going on with myself in the previous post of the “Desperate Terror Addicted State” - I had come so far from almost 10 years ago when I was working and my future hubby had recently come into my life.  It seemed though I for sure had struggles going on, but my life seemed to have been going somewhere.

But because I never really fully dealt with the super core issues from my childhood upbring and trauma, over the years - just like my hair, and especially during my 3 1/2 years of my gut stuff, my mental& physical struggles and battles - life just seemed to get so much worse.

So then today being Jul.11, 2023 my mom and I were coming back to my hubby's and my place.  As I told my Mom and hubby that I needed to pick up stuff from the freezer as well as some other supplements I forgot to bring while I was staying at my Mom's place as my hubby and I were both try to find healing while we are apart from each other.

But the truth was that I was so crazy craving and wanting the snacks I tend to have too much of that I didn't mention that's the main reason I wanted to go to my hubby & my place again. I had wanted this holiday ice cream I have most years that I had been holding onto since December, but I hadn’t had it because my gut has so off until very recently with me taking more of this Betaine that helps bring on more stomach acid for me.

As well as being at my mom's place I tend to eat a lot more carbs, which tends to feed my sugar/carbs/yummy desserts addiction.  I've had the anorexia for a long time - but with the gut stuff being so painful for so long & waiting so long to have more of those yummy foods constantly - I've been giving into overdoing it with them more than I should as been so extremely depressed & anxious basically constantly since my gut stuff started and a lot of my life that I tend to have these things as - it's what made me feel better at least for a moment, though not always long term.

But because things had become so severe with my health - that I couldn't think, concentrate, be motivated to do much of anything - food became my life - and I used it to try to make me feel better.  So when that’s possibly being taken away from you - you go after and obsess about it even more.  But these are all surface things to do with other deeper issues as I said.

So I decided to give into my craving and man was the holiday ice cream (Karwatha's Candy Cane Pepperiment, chocolate chip and vanilla ice cream) Super Duper Crazy Yummy.  But even that wasn’t enough to feed my cravings, so I had a ton of my snackies that I ended up eating too much of since I was feeling super hungry again suddenly.

I knew that I had too much of the snackies as at one point, as I was totally getting grossed out from it.  Those feelings didn’t last forever, but it was enough that - it helped me see that I don’t want to do that “forever” and that I do actually want to do better.

Oddly enough I was feeling better mentally and physically for a bit after I gave into my cravings – BUT PLEASE ANYONE THAT HAS AN ADDICTION - THIS DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD GIVE INTO THEM - But my body had been so deprived of food and water because my gut pains that prevent me from eating or drinking at times, I ended up giving more into it then I normally would.

I think my body was like I finally got enough fuel, salts, and water in me, that I was happy for a small time.

I think Elohim was also showing me that - though it didn't seem like it yesterday when I was so desperate of not wanting to be here in my desperate addicted mental state.  - That when I finally saw how grossed out I got from the craving and wanting what I want - and lying to get what I want - to the point I'm feeling suicidal - it's sooo not worth it!!

So I told my Mom and then my husband over the phone about what I had been hiding and lying about. As I knew I actually wanted to get some help - and I wanted to try to do that when I was  in the right frame of mind.

My hubby told me to Remember this and write it down - especially for those super hard days - to help me to keep pushing towards hope.

I think my later prayer in my last post helped as I didn't want Elohim to give up on me, even though I was so resistant to His help, but even just giving a little to Him - has helped me to let Him in and others so Much more.

I know each day won't be like that.  But like the picture I took of the Sun peaking through after a storm on Jul. 11, 2023.  I felt I was seeing Elohim's (God’s) light shining through from the Sun -saying I am Still Here - You Aren't Alone - and not just with Him but Others too- So There is Still Hope - and Oh by the way here’s a cute little bunny for you too to make you smile.

So my Elohim was showing me as I stand up even in my weaken desperate storm state - He can build up that fight in me - as I let go more of the things that I think I need to cope that hurt me - and surrender more to Him so I can let Him Help me - it will help me to let go more and more of the deeper pains I need to go to find freedom.

Thank you My Elohim for showing me this today ❤️🙂 and for not giving up on me and keep reaching out to me as I asked you yesterday in my prayer - even when I was resistant to you.

So though there are times that we may have given up on ourselves, Elohim (God) keeps looking out for us, as long as you give Him a chance - even a little one will make the difference.

Patricia   <3   :)

Isaiah 43:2    When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you.

 

Here’s a song about to putting on the garments of praise even in the sprit of heaviness, we see that our joy of the Lord is where our strength is and our eyes are fixed on our Lord and as we wait on You we praise Your worthy name in everything.

 

“Garments Of Praise” by Robin Mark

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T6cNIHUhTqY&list=PL3whQX319DaB37iB8NZpJe206iSdpe3kc&index=82