Desperate Terror Addicted State

 


On July 10, 2023 I decided to write an important post on My ED/Food Addiction/Obsessions/Anxiety & Depression was Extremely Brutal at times for my thoughts, which makes things so difficult, and also makes me not want to be here.

I've had this keep getting worse and worse and worse sometimes, but it's the first time my Mom really saw me while I was in it.  I ended up talking about that and the Extremely Struggled Desperate Terror Addicted State I was in all day long with my Mom.

I Desperately Needed to Submit and Give All That up to Elohim (God) - But even in this Extremely Desperate Place - I still struggle to let Him Help me stop all this - as I desire the Yummy Foods I crave more than anything.  I struggle to do or think of anything else besides that.  I know I really need so much more - But the resistance to not give those things up is the strongest I've ever had.

I need to stop those behaviours - and even with losing soooooooo much control to my ED/Food Addiction/Obsessions/Anxiety & Depression I still can't seem to let someone else help me.  When life is so unknown - it terrifies me to let anyone else control it, even when it's to my benefit.

I know My Elohim just wants to be that real comfort For me, but Letting Him help me is what I hugely struggle with.  As that Selfish/sinful ugly monster & darkness of the ED/Food Addiction/Obsessions/Anxiety & Depression in me has Such a Brutal Grip on me and it Won't Let GO!

My poor sweet Mom had to see and talk to me all day with this, and not really get anywhere, which she was trying to help me connect with God - so he can take this all away, but because I couldn't, she saw me in this Desperate Terror Addicted State of not being able to stop my thoughts.

It really will take an Incredible Miracle to have & totally let God completely become my life/help me fight for myself - which is what I really need - to somehow find the Real Reason in me to Keep Going besides Food.  As Elohim also wants to Desperately Help me, but His Hands are Tied, if I Don't Let Him.

I was thinking later in the evening that even if I can't fully Let Go, that any amount of help Connected to Elohim is worth doing even for a small amount, as even if I feel and think I'm not in the Right State of Mind for it - it may calm me in some way, especially in that Desperate Terror Addicted State.

So I prayed and thanked My Elohim for helping me just now, even though I was soooooo resistant to Him, that He would still calm me and help me while I write this diary/blog entry - as often this is where I connect and find Him the most.

I ask My Elohim PLEASE DON'T STOP TRYING TO REACH ME - Even if I Struggle to Let you In.

I am sorry for getting to such a Desperate Place - I really Do Still Need Your Help - Even if I still am doing what I feel I Want to Do instead of what I Need to Do.  Help me to Learn how to Not let it get so Bad Mentally, as clearly the enemy is super feeding onto that.

It's my Mental State/Body & Heart & Spirit that I need a Transplant & Transformation of connected to your Truth/Love & Shalom.

I need it like the name similar to my blog of "Pearce the Heart" as I need you to pierce through my Darkness/lack of trust/harden heart/sadness & desperation.  I don't know what will REACH Me - But Lord Please Help Reach Me Soon - I am sorry for Not Letting You In as Much as I should & Thank you soooooooooooooooo much for Such A Supportive Loving Mother - Who Never Gives Up on You - To Reach Me. - I really Need that - As I so frequently Can't see myself Getting Better,

But You Are Stronger Than the Enemy - And Can Penetrate that intense Darkness that's going on inside me - Lord I want a Lasting One. Yes I love Food - But I Want to Love You & My Loved Ones & Others More again - so that there can finally be more Meaning to my Life again.

I know you can change me, and see life differently even in the hard times, so help me get there, so I can help others out there.

Patricia   <3   :)

 

1 John 1:5     This is the message we have heard from Him and proclaim to you, that God is light, and in Him is no darkness at all.

 

Here’s a song about though one may be crying, and prepare for the way of the Lord and with that it will make straight your path with Him.  Also our Lord can make a light in the darkness as we lay our burdens done on Him, and we asked for our Lord to Revive us. 

 

“Revival” by Robin Mark

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_6XwlSIokpQ&list=PL3whQX319DaB37iB8NZpJe206iSdpe3kc&index=83

 

 

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