Fighting for Myself instead of Sitting Back & Doing Nothing

This important post goes over 2 days with May 10 & 11, 2023 and it started off on May 10, 2023 with me not sleeping well overnight due to my on going Gut Pains as well as my continuing to Brutal Mental Struggles Mentally, which makes it Extremely hard to want to be here😔.

I was already in that state when after eating Supper – and I decided I was going to just have my Usual Evening Snackies even though I know it sometimes drops my mood a lot/hurts my gut.

Before I had my Snackies - I was saying to myself “I'm allowed to Eat, I'm allowed to be Hungry I'm allowed to be Happy.”

Then my loving hubby said “You are allowed to Love Yourself & Your Body” and I said “Yes!!-I'm allowed to Love/Forgive myself for hurting myself.”

I was saying to Elohim this is way too big of a Burden for me to handle, that I really can't do this on my own.  The Darkness is so heavy.  That I used to be able to Fight - but that was Before when I was younger and not struggling so much – and now I barely have the capacity to Keep Going & that I Need Help from My Elohim (God) to Help me make it through these tough times.

As I can tell that the Enemy has had Too big of a hold on me for too long - and I'm Sorry Lord I Let them in All These Years ago.

I said to My Elohim I Want my Fight Back, I want My Life Back – Not Just for me but for my most wonderful hubby too!!

Both my husband and I were feeling like We could possibly lose each other whether through - the Darkness over coming me – my Gut stuff or otherwise :(.

So it's pretty crazy - that after this I over did it with my usual evening Snackies – that I was super crazy craving – my Mood was temporally better and surprisingly my Gut was not too bad either – which helped as I could "breathe" again for a short time.

I'm sure the Enemy was trying to desperately to try to get me to possibly take my life – with how desperately dark I felt – as sometimes I feel really bad with the snacking in the past.

But I think Elohim was just showing me that finally Letting Go both with stressing about food and other things can help – but more so that Letting Go and try to Love/Forgive Myself for Hurting myself – and letting Elohim take that Darkness from me and wanting Him truly be on my side instead of that Enemy's is what likely is what got me to feel better.

 

Unfortunately the next night on May 11, 2023 I didn't sleep well again and I end up having an Extreme Panic attack 🤯😳 – during the middle of the night, which it seems like the struggles I often get when I over do it with the snacking ended up being delayed till today.

But I also suspect that the Enemy was making things worse by adding to my Panic Attack – which was connected to worrying about feeling out of Control with Hunger & making the right decisions with eating better & desperately not wanting to be here.

It terrified me that I was doing well with my eating and mental state, but that another time with the snacking it can end up Massively causing a Mental drop.

I have to admit that I really suck at Dealing with things – but I thank My Elohim for getting me through the night – as I am still here <3.

My husband was reminding me that I need to Do things/to Fight for Myself – for Elohim to Help me - so I can be like F-Off to the Darkness, ED, Suicidal ideation etc.!!

And remember to Fighting for Myself instead of Sitting Back & Doing Nothing while all my Self-Destructive subconscious thoughts & feelings take over – which is what makes things Worse for myself - As I'm Not Doing Anything to Stop it.

I have to Learn to Fight Against those Dark thoughts and Moments – as there still is that Stubborn/Defiant/Frustrated/Fighter Side of me that often goes against me – but if I let that side Fight for Me instead of Against Me – I’m more likely to handle those Dark times.

Because the Enemy is never going to Stop Going after me "as my hubby said that I am an “Easy Target” - as I let them Stress me Out more than I should.

I just have to keep Fighting in the Right Direction – that way Elohim can Fight with me & show me I'm not alone!

As my Husband said - both He and I can't wait forever - for me to sit back & do nothing – as something not good could happen to either of us – no on really knows besides Elohim (God)

So though It's sooooo scary to Change - It's even Scarier – if I think about it - to lose out on an Incredible Life that was Given to Me, especially with my Precious sweet hubby.

So I'm sorry My Elohim for taking my Life for Granted so much – and I ask You to Keep Helping me - get there.

Thankfully I finally started to feel better in the morning 🙂 – and I think the talking to my patient and loving hubby helped with that - as it sparked just a little Fire/Fighter part in me - that I had thought I had lost.

So though it’s hard for myself to figure out when the best time is to having more food, or when to hold back with that – it’s the same with my mental struggles.

As I know I have real emotions that are strong – and it’s important to acknowledge them – but it’s also important to see that though lately they bring me down so strongly – they don’t have be a place I stay in – that there is more Love & Light out there from My Elohim, my most sweet and kind hubby, and so many others out there.

So keep trying to “Fight the Good Fight” as the saying go – as you are sooo worth being here in this world <3!!

Patricia <3  :)

 

2 Timothy 4:7    I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.

 

Here’s a song about the bride groom, and a woman struggling with not believing she is enough, but Yeshua (Jesus) knows that she is more beautiful and wanted than ever, and that His Love will set her free on that wedding day <3.

 

“Wedding Day” Casting Crowns

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XRQnXot2zxI&list=PL3whQX319DaB37iB8NZpJe206iSdpe3kc&index=70