A Promise & Listening to the Escaping Part (Counselling)

 


In this post I explain more of what has brought about me to making a promise of not wanting to take my life to my Elohim (God) and husband and the pressure I felt, which I talked about here on this May 2, 2023 counselling post.

– and my next post on May 3, 2023 called “Pressured Night” is about a hard night I have and getting my anger out about with my Elohim and being overwhelmed by the pressure I feel to keep going – but seeing Him show up.

So during my May 2, 2023, counselling we talked about connecting & talking to My Yeshua (Jesus) about this Extreme Non stop Stress/Pressure/Extreme Constant Fears I feel

When talking to my counsellor he asked me to talk to My Yeshua and what I have been experiencing lately.

I said to My Yeshua (Jesus) - I need You to be Lord & Saviour & Protector over this Extreme Non stop Stress/Pressure/Extreme Constant Fears I feel

I said - I can't breathe - I can't stop Obsessing about everything
Oh my Elohim I know there's something wrong with me - and this isn't normal - please Help me!
I said - Oh My Yeshua if there is any place I've taken too much Control - show me where that is & I help me to Let that Go & Let You have Control over that.

3 1/2 yrs. ago when I had my worst panic attack – I have noticed that I haven’t been myself since then
That panic attack also happened a day after I promised I wouldn't try to Take my Life anymore

I talked to Yeshua:

Did I make it worse - by adding too much pressure on myself to try to stop myself from taking my life?

I am realizing now - Yes - the amount of pressure I put on myself with that promise to my Elohim and husband was too much to carry on my own.  It was a good genuine promise to make to – but a tough one for someone who’s tried to take their life multiple times in the past.

But I realize now - that back then I wasn't actually ready in my heart to give that up - as I was doing it for them & not me.

I admit that I’ve been trying to Keep myself Safe and prevent myself from taking my life instead of Letting My Yeshua & Elohim to keep me safe.

I took on a Huge Promise back then in Sept. 2019- back to 3 ½+ yrs. ago promise night to Try to Stop taking my Life - and I need to give that to you.

After I made that promise - I felt Extreme Terror - which to be honest I've been feeling lately.  The scary thing is I felt trapped in that terror place since I’ve made that promise.

I remember my husband saying to me - after I was struggling so bad that night - that I had to choose between Life & Death.

And I've been set in this Trap I accidently made since then - Because I'm split in the middle - as I want to Live for my husband & Elohim & Others - But a Part of me struggles with wanting to not live – as I can’t seem to escape the Pain & Intense Fear I have in me.

Though In my Heart of Hearts - I know I want to Live & Have true Healing & Freedom - But I don't know how to let go of the Fear, Pain, Lack of Trust & Control - which all of that caused me to want to Escape.

My counsellor said to talk to the Escaping Part that wants to Run away, take my life, etc. and to ask it - what's it trying to do? - is it trying to help you or not?


The Escaping Part says:

It wants to Run away from everything - it's so scared and has too much fear, constant anxiety, it can't breathe - it's constantly overwhelmed & on edge - it feels forever trapped - like there is no way to escape - So it tries every way - to calm down!

Examples of that are through yummy foods, ED, previously cutting, - then when that's not enough – Suicide.

I said to that Escaping Part:

I understand why you are so Stressed out -As I The Whole (Patricia System) that let that happen - and I understand why you would want to Escape in those difficult ways - as they make you feel better - to get those Stress Pressures off of you for a moment.

The Escape Part says:

Thank You for Listening - But I'm Scared right Now that it's Not going to get Better.

I say:
I'm sorry I Don't know Exactly how to Calm you to your Core of whatever that Extreme Fear you have in you - That's causing you - to Take such Extreme Measures to Want to Escape - But you Aren't alone in this & I want us to Learn together what that Core Fear is that is Holding us Back - so we can both Break Free from those Horrible Scary Chains they are holding us Captive in this Life.

A lot of those Core Fear issues come from that Womb Stress & Mom's Stress
and being Angry at Elohim (God) for letting me Born - As I was born/in the Womb of the Battlefield of Constant Stressful Place that I got from my Dad - Through my Mom in the Womb

That I still have Anger at Elohim and have feeling of not Trusting Him - when He brought me into this World/Family I think I didn’t want at the time.

But Elohim lets me know that He - Let Me be Born Into this Battlefield Family - Because not only Does He know I will overcome that Battlefield Stress that was put upon me! - that I will Conquer it with Him <3 - And more importantly so I can Help so many Others with what I have gone through – and that ultimately that’s what I want in the end <3.

So I was thankful for this harder session today, as I may be at times Angry at Elohim for having me be born into this stressful battlefield of we call life – but that it's been worth it for my husband, my loving family that I do still love that I was born into and also for hoping to help a bunch of people down the road connected with the help I am getting now and in the future.  As I see that Elohim still has my back whether I am mad at Him or not, as He loves me that much <3, and the same goes to other people that are out there <3.

Patricia   <3  :)

 

Joshua 1:9    Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.

 

Here’s a song about being courageous, and that we were made to lead the way, and that we could help be the generation to finally break these chains, which is holding us back.  It’s about looking out for others, but still bringing all this to our Elohim (God).

 

“Courageous” by Casting Crowns

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8RqPdjKvw2Q&list=PL3whQX319DaB37iB8NZpJe206iSdpe3kc&index=66

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