Wake up call from Spilled Pills

On Apr. 1, 2023 my hubby had told me on many occasions to keep my pills capped, but me, being me, I didn't listen, as I frequently had trouble opening the cap as it’s like it was adult proofed as to why I would often leaving then slightly ajar.

So when by hubby went to try to help me with my pill bottle, which he was expecting them to be closed, the bottle accidentally spilled most of my prescription pills I had late that night, as they fell down when he opened the cupboard.

To say the least my husband was really angry and threw the rest that were left on the floor.

I was so worried about wasting them, even though most of them had been on the floor.  That I started picking them up so very anxiously and scared, as I wanted to keep them all the ones that I could find, as I always worry about the cost of things, and thought maybe they wouldn’t be too bad if I brushed them off.

But my husband wanted to throw them out since they aren't good anymore after being on the floor.

But the thing that angered him more was that not only did he tell me to keep the lid locked on the pills before this, but when I started getting the pills on the ground, he felt that I didn’t listen and trust him, when he was looking out for me.  He seemed to noticed that I only trusted myself, even when I may be making bad decisions, which isn’t good for either of us.

I'm not going to lie that there's a part of me that just doesn't totally trust anyone, not just for trust issues, but because I have so much trouble getting and understanding things at times, that I tend to do things my way even if it's not a good thing.

It's true when Nathan said that I feel this need to always be right.  Part of that is the defiant nature and child in me that shows up, which was connected to my controlling upbringing.  I’ve noticed I haven't seemed to be able to get rid of that nature since then.

All Nathan wanted was for me to really fight for myself, instead of fighting and hurting myself, which is what I frequently do, which makes things worse in the long run.

I tend not to let myself get angry at others, and angry in general, so unfortunately it has to go somewhere, and I generally put all that anger and rage at myself, especially when I make mistakes as I only see what I did wrong.

That's the battle I really struggle with is fight against myself, and hating myself at the same time.

And yet also trying to do the right thing and loving thing, which my hubby and Elohim (God) want, which is to some day to fight and actually love myself and want to truly get better.

I know the enemy wanted to mess things up with my hubby tonight to make things worse for both of us, but I think it was just my Elohim trying to help me get a "Wakeup Call" to get me to a closer direction of fighting for myself, by choosing Life even when it's may be hard.

I thanked my Elohim for that, and keep helping me even when really hard moments come on.

 

Then the next day on Apr. 2, 2023 I felt this connection to what went on the day before.

I know I wanted to try to do better with fighting for myself as my hubby wanted me to do yesterday,

including fighting the ED, and not always giving into temptations with myself that brings me down a not good path.

 

So when I woke up this morning I suspected that I'd lose weight today, that if I dropped into certain lower range or more, then I would take pictures and document it more.  As my excuse was "for to help see for where I came from" which could be future recovery picture stuff. But I also said to myself I have a lot of my very low weights picture, that maybe I wouldn’t need it after all.  As I had so many pictures connected to my lowest and other wise with my Gut stuff getting me so low, and really doing more picture can cause me to give into the ED even more.

 

So when I saw I only as certain higher lower amount I was actually happy - as I didn’t feel the need to take the pictures as I already had picture at that range.

So I actually thanked my Elohim for helping me with that by having my body lose less then I expected.  So has my concerning hubby said as much as we do need to know what my weight it is at times, to make sure I don't drop too much, that doing it daily, just isn't helpful to me, as it feeds into my ED so much more.

So I decided that I'm going try to be better about not weighing myself as much – so that I would try to get the Anorexia's grip off on me be less. 

It’s amazing how something as “simple” as having all these spilled pills fall to the ground from yesterday to be a wake up call for today for me to actually want to change for the better with my Anorexia. 

It may not seem connected how not listening would cause me to want to change my ED, but Elohim knew what I needed to hear and see to help me to trust and listen to my Elohim, and my loved ones to help me when I need to.

So that in turn I can learn to fight for myself like I did today, so I am thankful this happened yesterday, so that I would be brave enough to take a step towards freedom. 

Oh the war may not be over yet, but the more battles that are be won for the better, the more the war will be conquered before we know it.  It’s letting your guard down enough so that the team that’s trying to help you, can come in and raise you up in those difficult times.  So don’t give up as you’ll be on that other side of victory before you know it.

Patricia <3  :)

 

Psalm 28:7    The Lord is my strength and my shield; in Him my heart trusts, and I am helped;
my heart exults, and with my song I give thanks to Him.

 

Here’s a good song about how beautiful the hands that serve and the feet that walked on that dusty road and the hill to the cross and how beautiful is the Body of Christ.  That took on our sting and bore it instead – it’s a love song of how beautiful and incredible our Lord really is and all that he did for us <3.

 

“How Beautiful” by Twila

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HM-eo4j1KhE&list=PL3whQX319DaB37iB8NZpJe206iSdpe3kc&index=50