Submitting to Him my Struggles

 

I was writing about this as some things came up for me on April 8, 2023. 

As I’ve been saying for some time I’ve been struggling with my gut and mental struggles for awhile.  And it seems as my systems get worse my gut pains become more intense as does my mental struggles.

It truly is something that happens for me everyday.  Often it is a lot harder during the night and first thing in the morning.  I think that’s because I’m stock in bed with just me, my mind and my pains. 

I used to sleep on my stomach for so many years or side, but with my gut being so sensitive for all these years, I’ve had to stop the stomach sleeping, which has made it harder to sleep.

Often even on my side I find I just can’t get the relief I need to sleep properly, as I feel the pressure so much.

While that is going on, frequently when my gut’s in so much pain, my mental state takes a huge dive, and it really makes it hard to want to keep going.

But when I do actually get good sleep, there is such relief in that, as at least temporarily I can get away from those gut pains and mental struggles.

So this wasn’t the first time I’ve had pretty severe gut pain and intense mental struggles, but sometimes when it keeps happening more and more often, you can only take so much.

So during the first week of April, 2023 I couldn’t sleep well from the brutally pressured gut pain I was having, which caused me to cry out in pain overnight.  I also was struggling mentally intensely, as I said it had become too much.

I cried to Elohim (God) I was so angry at Him for letting me have this pain and struggles continue, yet at the same time I knew it wasn’t all His fault, as I know that I am a part of it.  I also know that the enemy could be too.

I was crying to Elohim because even though I know He can bring full healing, I was still struggling to see that happening, and I was losing hope.

It was a really hard night for me, but sometimes you need hard nights to help you see what you really want.

I ended up writing this pray to Elohim later in the morning.

I wrote this on Sat. Apr. 8, 2023

“Oh my Elohim I know I need to Submit to You all my struggles including my ED, how I feel about myself, and more, and I do want to, and keep encouraging me in that way.

But I please pray My Elohim to help take this brutal gut & mental pains away, as it's too much, and it stops me from eating and drinking, and getting better.

As I do want Your Healing, which I know you can bring me, as I want to get there.”

I know that I really meant those words when I wrote it down.  But of course I know it’s harder to do in practice, then it is to say.  I am so bad for that one, as though there are parts of me that does want to get better, there is more of me that’s so resistant to letting go and submitting to what Elohim and so many others want for me, which is to fight for my health, which I’ve never really done.

But later that day as I stepped outside my place and saw the Sun, and trees and I also listened to the birds chirp, I felt this sense of calmness from Him there for a moment, as I could see the beauty and freedom being outside, and experiencing the wonderment of the sun, trees and birds without any stress for a second.  As I was finally able to breathe and feel free as I was Submitting to Him my Struggles. 

I think He was trying to show me how things will be like someday when I’ve found full healing with Him.

So from that and from my prayer earlier, I decided to say Yes to My Elohim that He can keep helping me as I work through this battle of mine inside of me to get better.

I do know this isn’t going to be a “walk in the park” as the saying goes, and of course I love walks, especially with my husband, as I do find them calming, but I know that I am one that’s always resistant to change in any way, including helpful ones.

But I do know things need to change, and I need to keep trying, as I know though I really struggle to want to be here each day, that in my heart of hearts I do want to actually be here.

So those that are struggling so much everyday, and there is a part of you that does actually want to get better from whatever you are going through, that it is so worth it.  Don’t get me wrong as I said man is it ever hard, and I’m not even on the other side of it currently, but I just know as we surrender all this massive struggle to Elohim, He’ll help walk us to that peaceful place inside of us that we’ve always needed.

My mom sent me this quote

"There is a purpose for every challenge and a lesson for every mistake.  Life is not weakening you, it is challenging you to bring out the strength in you."

- Roger Lee.

So remember even though the road to recovery isn’t an easy thing, and you certainly aren’t going to be perfect, which is totally okay, that you aren’t alone in this, and it will only make you so much stronger.

Patricia  <3   :)

 

1 Peter 5:6    Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time He may exalt you.

 

Here’s a song about it being a battle up a hill and to keep climbing and trying, and fighting, and keep praying for the day when the Bible becomes what you need, instead of just reading it, so it can help you through those times, so that you can change with Elohim (God).

 

“Bible Verses” by Blake Shelton

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s9GJlnQmOgU&list=PL3whQX319DaB37iB8NZpJe206iSdpe3kc&index=53