Pearce the Heart

  On June 27, 2024 I decided to write about an important post about some things that came up during counselling. I was feeling immense emotional pain and I want to commit suicide – But I Choose Not To as I love Elohim, Yeshua, and my husband and other loved ones. I have to admit that saying that makes me scared because the pain is so overwhelming - and it affects my husband so much that I keep giving into thoughts of suicide –   but I don't see a way out. So I say to Yeshua (Jesus) and Elohim (God) I am so terrified of life and all I want to do is hide and not be here anymore - and I'm sorry for not choosing life and not wanting to be alive, and do you forgive me? Yeshua said I do, and to remember to breathe and you aren't alone and I can help you. I tell Yeshua I am sooooo scared and I can't stop the pressure of this life. He says to me, Remember these 3 things Breathe, I am not alone and Yeshua & Elohim can help me, and to thank Them for that. Remembe...

  On June 13, 2024 I decided to write about an important post connected with a counselling appointment I had and I talked about the Shoppers store incident where a cashier thought I was possibly stealing, without saying it, as they don’t have plastic bags anymore.   I brought my own bag and put things I was going to buy in the bag that I bought.   She thought I was returning things or possibly otherwise – that cashier was a little confused as I didn’t originally have the items I was going to buy in my hands or cart.   When she questioned if I was returning things and implied having stuff in a bag could make others think a person could take something and just leave the store – but when I said oh no I wouldn’t do that– and it got me suddenly triggered and the cashier felt bad as she didn't mean to make me feel that way, and she was just confused about the bag of stuff I had – It ended up making me feel like I am a bad little girl inside. That triggered me to feel...

  Here's an important post from On April 18, 2024 when I was talking to my counsellor and I told him that I have been super struggling and not wanting to be here - but that I know I Have To Be Here and it makes me feel trapped ☹ . He reminded me that the Inner Critic can want to punish and push me to want to Take my Life As the Inner Critic can feel like I Don't deserve to be Alive, and it makes it harder to find a safer better pathway to where our Elohim (God), as well as Yeshua (Jesus) is. I told my counsellor that I want to Escape this life – I want to escape myself – but I can't – and that I can't turn off the immense fear of facing every day life I tell him that I feel so scared – and I hate that I can't get myself to relax – I feel terror a lot of the time – and I'm just wishing I won't wake up some day. But I also feel guilty about that as I know my sweet hubby and others want me here. I told my counsellor when he asked me what it was like...

On April 10, 2024 I decided to write a sweet little post about something that my hubby does for me each night since I got back from H.W. It’s about Stanley the Bear, which he is named after the children’s book I wrote and (Squishy), which is his nick name, which he is a stuffed animal that I got from my friend L. when I was at H.W. ED Program. He is so adorable, and when I was at H.W. I would sleep with him each night, as he made me feel safe when I was alone, as I could only see my hubby when he came for a visit on the weekends at the centre. I appreciated that L. gave that to me, as she wanted me to feel less alone.  And I felt like Elohim (God) knew that there were times when I would get scared and He knew I’d need that soft stuff animal to smile back at me and help me smile even when I was scared. So unexpected for me when I got home my sweet hubby decided to start doing a hide and seek for the Squishy when I got to bed.  Which he would have me try to find him some...

  On April 9, 2024 I decided to write about an important post about when I was doing an anxiety counselling group with Mercy Ministries Canada and it helped me to know that I wasn’t alone in feeling anxiety that can often show up either on a regular basis, or suddenly, which isn’t ideal, especially if you are in a place where you can’t get away from it. So the counsellor running the group reminded us about breathing and that often deep breathing can help calm your body down, as there may not be an actual physical danger, but because you mind thinks it is, it can cause your body to “freak out” when it’s often mainly in your mind. So it’s important to take a deep breath in if you can.   Here are some ideas for what to say if you are praying, Breathing in   "Be still" and Breathe Out "And know that you are God" Or   Breathe in   "I surrender" and out Breathe Out: All my fears" Or Breathe in   "In this Moment" Breathe Out: "I...

On April 4, 2024 I decided to write about an important post about of when I had a counselling session that was a more difficult topic to talk about, which we talked about a time when I was 10-13 years old off and on connected to another person that made me feel a lot of shame, and guilt. It caused me to feel alone and isolated as a child.  It made me feel helpless and that I couldn’t protect myself in that situation. My counsellor had me picture our Yeshua (Jesus) back then and I told my Yeshua how I felt. I said Oh Lord, I feel so gross, and disgusting. I feel like it's my fault that person and I played the "Marriage Game", which we pretended that we were married and used other names. I continued on and said, that I don't know why, but at the time I thought it was okay to be close with that person, because I believed that it was pretend. Then I said, that when it became more, I didn't know what to do, and so I let my alter’s selves take over so that I...

  On March 28, 2024 I decided to write about an important post about when I had counselling, and we decided to go back and talk about a memory I had when I was four with my dad. At one point when I had been emotional and crying, he yelled at me and said "You stupid little girl" what's wrong with you, just be quiet and stop crying. But that got me to cry even more, and even though I wanted to try to be that perfect quiet little girl dad wanted, I couldn’t seemed to be. It made me feel bad about myself, and that I must be the problem – because I couldn't do what my dad asked me to do, which was to be perfect – so I hated myself because of that as I couldn’t stop my dad from getting mad at me, as well as I couldn’t control my emotions, which put me in a scary trapped place that I hated to be in. Then my counsellor said to bring Yeshua (Jesus) in-between Dad and I. Then my Yeshua tells me, “Oh my precious little girl, You Are Not Stupid, and You Are Wanted! There...