When a Triggered Sorry is More than Sorry - part 2

 

The first part of this post is called “When Triggers connects you to God, Yourself and Your Past - Part 1” and how the triggers started in the first place on Aug.2, 2023 earlier in the day.

 

So now onto Part 2 of August 2, 2023, which happened in the evening.

 

I decided to write an important post on how I was going to the church in the evening with Mom, and my brother J. and I had been doing a bit better at the time after really struggling earlier as I mentioned in the pervious part 1 of this post.   When I met up with the church secretary S, which I mentioned before who had prayed for me in a previous post.  I was so happy to see her, as I hadn’t seen her earlier in the day when I volunteered at our church Food Bank. 

I was telling her how I was doing, that though I had some improvements, I continued to have troubles, which included getting triggered at times.  So I joked that I was like the song, Super Freak, Super Freak.  I wasn’t trying to put myself down, more so to make a tension of the seriousness lighter.  She said “Don’t say that about yourself, I know what you are trying to do by making light of things, but you aren’t a freak honey.”

So I said “Sorry”,

And she said “You don’t have to say sorry”, and I started to get more nervous, and I told her about my triggers and that I had said “I hate myself” and she said “Don’t Say That Again!” and suddenly I was Triggered and started saying Sorry excessively. 

Then she said “Stop That Patricia!”  Then I started to become even more triggered and I put my hand over my mouth to try to stop saying “Sorry!!” 

I saw myself and I was turning into this little girl and trying to force myself to stop talking, or stop my behaviour, and before I knew it I was feeling trapped again.  And though S. meant well in trying to Stop me from Saying Sorry and Stop Hating myself – I was sucked back into my life when I was a little girl and had to be “the perfect little girl” and yet couldn’t be at times, and so I got triggered into hitting myself again.

I knew she was trying to make me okay and saying I don’t have to be Sorry for being emotional, and I didn’t do anything wrong, and worse when I hurt myself again in front of someone – she was just trying to stop my fear that she could see on my face, but she didn’t understand that – my Sorry was more than just a regular Sorry.

When you have had someone dominate you in your life – you feel like you have to say Sorry for every little thing, but you do it so anxiously, you think you are making everything worse.  You hope that if you say Sorry then maybe you won’t get worse, but worse the Sorry’s get, the more stronger and repeatable they become because the terror is so strong that you can’t stop it anymore as you are in the flight and freeze state.  So that you want to run away, but are forced to stay where you are, and whatever you do, if you speak or don’t, you end up getting yelled at or hurt.

So though S. really was trying to mean well to try to get me to stop hating myself – I wasn’t in the headspace to be calm to myself.  It’s like I was giving myself punishment as the parent, instead of an actual parent doing that to me.  I still cared about S., which is why it made it that much harder to control my “behaviour” or emotional outbreak.

After that once she felt I was calm, though I was still anxious, I went into the church and sat with my Mom, which helped calm me again.

After I got home I told Mom what went on.  She said she totally understood as she was married to my dad, and knew when I was younger how controlling he was, and once in awhile physically hurt Mom and us, which made us so often feel we had to be sorry for something even if we didn’t do anything wrong.

I don’t mean to always paint my dad in this way, but he did have it sooo much worse in this childhood where he was constantly emotionally and physically abused.  It would make sense why some of that would show up in when he was raising us 4 kids and my Mom.  He did change for the better later on, which I was glad, as I could have a better relationship with him before he passed away, but it does having a lasting affect on us unfortunately.

So to those that say Sorry more than normal, I feel for you, and don’t try to Stop saying Sorry in a forced way.  When you are ready to stop blaming yourself for everything, then I feel the Sorry’s will be easier to not say.  So no pressure as I understand the excessive Sorry’s – is about how you feel like you aren’t supposed to be here.  But you are, and you aren’t a mistake <3.

It takes time to get out of that victim state when you have been brainwashed to feel like everything you do is wrong.  So take a Breath with Me and know you are Loved and am Important, that if you can’t trust anyone, at least try to trust Elohim (God) as He’ll always be there for you, even when you think you are alone you aren’t.  I know life isn’t easy, so I am proud of you to keep waking up each day trying your best in whatever way to keep on going.

Patricia   <3   :)

 

Lamentations 3:22-23   The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.

 

Here’s a song about in the crazy fast paced life and that it’s hard to slow down, and that when you ask Elohim (God) to help you, He can do so.

 

“Slow Down” by Third Day

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nJ39FtrydCo&list=PL3whQX319DaB37iB8NZpJe206iSdpe3kc&index=95