Help to give up the ‘I need things’ for His Way of Life things – part 2

 

I am continuing from Part 1 – “Explaining my Insane Hunger and how over eating can suddenly happen quickly part 1” post to

The 2^nd part August 13, 2023, which I consider an important post, of where I want to get with trying to get better, when I listened to Guest Pastor Diego Santos from Bread of Life Church of the Nazarene today.

He made an impression on me – by reminding us that when we are staved and dehydrated from Elohim (God) that it will be difficult to go to Him or work through our struggles.

As often we will go to the things we "think we need" so desperately in a destructive way instead of going to Him who is the bread of life and He can fill that unquenchable hunger and thirst we so need to be filled.

Which you can see this so clearly in part 1 of Aug. 13^th post called “Explaining my Insane Hunger and how over eating can suddenly happen quickly - part 1”

where I am struggling so much and you can see what may start off as best intentions to help “keep myself safe” can so quickly change for the worse.  I know for certain I have that in my mind, body and spirit as they are all sooo very depleted.

With my Gut stuff & my ED stuff making things worse for me - I am literally starved & dehydrated more often than not- which for sure is making my obsessions with food and not being able to do much of anything else besides that stuff, which is going against myself worse - as the guest Pastor Diego was saying.

I really do wish I had never given into having an ED soooo very long ago when I was 12 years old and likely even younger than that in the first place – as it's taken me away from everything I care for and left me empty.

I would never want anyone to fall into this awful disease as it truly brainwashes your way of thinking and “deprogramming” from that way of thinking is almost impossible – especially if you don’t want any help from it.

For that matter I may have had an unknown dormant food addiction for a long time before this and I didn’t realize it.  By chance so cutely when my husband and I were over at my mom’s place a couple of years ago and we happened to be looking at photos of me when I was a baby I was always crying.  I remembered my mom telling me and showing me this when I was younger and that I always thought that was cutely funny.

But then when we saw me a little older, as a very little girl, the only time I seemed to be happy in pictures was when I was 2 or 3 or possibly 4 years old was when I was sitting in my highchair and there was food in front of me – usual cake or something “yummy” 😉.

We just laughed and thought - oohhh that’s my Patricia, and I was like hehe 😉 yup I’ve always been a “dessert queen” or “yummy foods meal queen” but I didn’t realize that soooooo sweet little girl would end up using that to get through life not only with a severe ED- but even have it become a Food Addiction some day so many years later ☹.

Yet I can’t help even with me knowing these things, to still go to them for "comfort" - but I do need to somehow have Elohim (God) replace all those things I ‘think I need’ with the things Elohim ‘Knows I Need’.

So then I decided to go up to Pastor Diego as he made an impressions on me and he prayed for me and asked for healing on my body as well as with my husband and I, as we’ve been apart not because we don’t love each other, but because we both need to heal within, so we can be stronger when we come back together.    But on a positive note – it’s clear as Day that even on the hardest days that We Still Love Each Other Very Much.

My husband has been trying to take care of me so strongly these past 4 years – and to be honest since we met almost 10 years ago.

And I applaud him sooooooooooo much as he’s been so valiant, so strong, so courageous, so caring, loving, patient, generous and so much more.

Understandably he has been in his anger and frustration with “me” at times with the whole situation of seeing someone you love sooooooooooo very deeply not only shrink before you eyes – but become increasingly despondent, hopeless, selfish, extremely obsessed, and completely lose themselves – that can not only take such a toll on the person who’s sick themselves – but just as much or more of a toll on the person who is caring and trying to watch out for that helpless person.

And with all that in mind – my precious hubby let me go – and let me go to my mom’s place so that someone else with just as much incredible strength, love, etc. that I mention about my husband – could care for me as my hubby was way over warned out – not just from me – but from the heavy burdens he also had of for himself as well as work on top of that.

So coming to my Mom’s place at first seemed scary – but quickly as time kept going on I saw it was the right thing to do – and though I admit there was more “freedom” here when it comes to eating food – and yes that has made my over eating a lot worse as the “freedom to eat whatever I want” came into effect.

It’s the whole be careful what you wish for.  It’s easy to love that idea at first –but in an uncontrolled manner it is very very dangerous.  It’s like giving a kid the keys to a car and they don’t know how to drive – you would never do that – yet somehow when you become an adult you do that over and over and over again.

Thankfully most people learn that when you hurt yourself as an adult – You Need to STOP – But with adults like me -Who Has Been Hurting Themselves For Years Intentionally – this obvious lesson doesn’t work so well, especially if that person not only Hates themselves so deeply – they use negative reinforcement that they learned as a child to rein themselves in.

Which unfortunately that “kindness & love & trust” from others and themselves doesn’t simply make all these thing better – even if Elohim can break through and Pearce the heart 😉 of the person with His Shalom.  There’s still a struggle there.

When All He really wants to do is take that Black Heart & Turn it Red – hmmmmmmmm very interesting – You wouldn’t know this about me – but my two favourite colours are Black & Red. 

For the longest time it was Black as besides most woman know Black is the most sliming colour – it’s also the mental state I felt most comfortable in.

I wore only black for years because my depression was really strong at different times in my life.  I knew I loved Red at one point near the end of high school when I had a bit of a reprieve from my deep depression – but I had someone point that out when I was wearing Red how “great it looked on me” and I got self-conscious as at this point my anorexia wasn’t so severe as it was the year before – so anyone commenting that I looked great – didn’t help as I wasn’t in the head space to accept it – as I considered looks great as “fat” even though for certain that’s not what they meant to come across that way, but I didn’t want to give up my anorexia as I was forced into treatment – so being “higher weight” when it was clear I was still on the thin side – and that comment of “you look great” is said to me – I can’t help but take it as a slap in my face in my mind.

And so the short time I wore Red when I was a teenager stopped – and Black took it’s place.  But down the road I remembered that I loved it again – and oddly for someone that’s so shy and nervous around people – I loved that Bold Red Colour.  When I am one on one with someone I tend to shine through as I do love people – but I just have a lot of anxiety with talking in front of others from growing up with one very strict parent from my childhood – plus I am a major introvert so I can’t help but want to be home and doing my own thing to recharge – though I tend to do that toooooooooooo much more often then not – something I know I’ll need to keep working on.

Anyways all that to say that at some point in my mid 20s I started to wear not only colour but my favourite Bold Red again – I truly shocked a lot of people – they were like woah is that Patricia? – WOW –

And though I had reprieves here and there in my life and my favourite colours and other ones stayed around – my super darkness inside of me didn’t leave me.

Sorry don’t mind me I’ve never officially been told I have ADHD – but since my intense struggles with my Gut & Mental stuff these past 4 years I’d think I am - as I tend to go on a tangents for awhile & then be like wait where was I going with this whoops.

Anyways back to the topic at hand.

Which was that Pastor Diego prayed for my healing on my body and as well as my husband and my health’s as a whole.  So I knew each of us staying in our mother’s houses was a good thing as when we needed support, we both could go to our Mom’s for that.  As we know we just want both of us to be well in each way for when we come back together.

Pastor Diego also said to keep having a conversation with Elohim (God) and talk to Him of where you are at.

So it reminded me that I Don't have to Hide myself – to just be Real With Him of where I am at.

So I can say I’m struggling – I can’t even promise I’m going to be perfect with getting better, but I can say that I am trying at the best of the capacity that I am at, and I’ll try to say Hello 😉 more often to Elohim.

And Pastor Diego reminded me to let Elohim help you to do the Right thing one little step at a time whatever that next step may be.

I know I was supposed to be there that Sunday to hear his words to try to help me connect more with my Loving Elohim I struggle to stay connected with because of my own issues.  If I had been still struggling at home –I wouldn’t have heard those words.

There can be reasons why Elohim (God) separates us from people for a time – and not always to “punish” us – but more often than not – to make us stronger.

So though both my hubby and I very much miss and love each other.  We accept this is a time we both need the time apart to grow into ourselves and Him.

So being back at my old Church, which is also my Mom’s one has been good for me – as it’s reconnected me with people from my past that love and pray for me.

Anyways so back to Pastor Diego, he was saying that the Egypt Way of looking at your past oppressed life seeming “appealing” compared to the “scary future” that “appealing comfort” Egypt Way actually doesn’t make it better, but worse in the long run, as you get so much more run down, then if you had faced your “scary future” as you would be past it by now.

I know I am one who struggles with that sooo much to give up that Egypt Way of looking to the depressive negative past and wanting to hold onto that, which keeps me going to the ED & food obsessions, etc.

But I know Elohim knows the actions I need to take to get me to deal with the pains behind those things I hold onto so strongly and keep me from giving up those unhealthy coping mechanisms.

So I asked my Elohim to help show me the way to take those incredible actions for the better with Him, where I don't need those self-destructive coping mechanisms and ‘I need things’ anymore. To help me to choose the His Way of Life Things He Know I Need.

Help me where I need the most help of feeling like "I can't give things up".  Continue to Help me where I seem to be Unreachable and Break Those Extremely Difficult Strongholds and Chains I have on me.

To reach the place of Not wanting to Trust Anyone But Myself, which even I have trouble with trusting myself – to help me Find You & Only Trust Your Truth & Voice instead of My negative one.

 

I prayed PLEASE OH PLEASE LORD, WHEN THOSE CHAINS FINALLY BREAK - HELP ME TO NEVER LET THEM COME BACK ON - AS I WANT TRUE FREEDOM WITH YOU!!!❤️❤️❤️.

With that I want Your Help to get me back on track with My Life again with You and myself.

So I can be my True Self You Know I Am Supposed To Be.

So I can serve You and Help You in whatever means You Need me to do.

One song that I was listening to on Repeat while I was writing this post is called.

 

“Bridge Over Troubled Water” by Simon & Garfunkel

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h0n-mYqB9WQ&list=PL3whQX319DaDRLyOobrzIgAqrswAaE8Kn&index=16

 

While my Mom and I were on a walk we saw this lovely bridge in the evening that was so lovely and it made my Mom think of this old song I just mentioned above.  I actually hadn’t heard it before – but I had been struggling so much mentally – It actually just stopped me when I was looking at the bridge at night time - listening to the song with my Mom as we looked at the bridge.

It spoke to me so strongly – as I’ve struggling so strongly and am soooooooooo tired, with constant depression, anxiety – and struggling to want to stay here when I know I need to – yet knowing there is a life there for me – but I can’t seem to grasp it.

My Mom said how it reminded her of Yeshua (Jesus) and that He’s there to carry me through this time – to go to Him when that darkness comes around and the pain is all around, as He will always be there.

 I just need to let Him come along side me – and before I know it – I’ll start to shine again and my dreams will be on my way.

Oh thank you my Elohim that you have music like this to encourage us & Mother’s that never give up on You – As even though both of us don’t know exactly how I’m going to get completely better and healed – You Do.  So she keeps putting her faith in You and that’s the important thing.  Lord Help me to some day have that type of Faith too.

I pray for anyone that’s reading this or any other of my posts to know You are Soooooo Important to Him and that He’s keeping you alive for a reason.

So you may not see that you should still be here – I Know & He’s definitely knows You are Supposed to Be Here & He will Get you through this insanely difficult time.

So much love to each of you trouble souls out there.

Patricia   <3   :)

 

Psalm 9:9-10     The Lord is a stronghold for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble.  And those who know Your name put their trust in You, for You, O Lord, have not forsaken those who seek you.

 

Here’s the song I mention, which is about when things are troubling and that things may seem like they aren’t going where you want to be, but that you aren’t alone, and there are friends and more that are you there for you.

 

“Bridge Over Troubled Water” by Simon & Garfunkel

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h0n-mYqB9WQ&list=PL3whQX319DaDRLyOobrzIgAqrswAaE8Kn&index=16

 

 

"Bridge Over Troubled Water"

When you're weary, feeling small,
When tears are in your eyes
I will dry them all
I'm on your side
Oh when times get rough
And friends just can't be found

Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down

When you're down and out
When you're on the street
When evening falls so hard
I will comfort you
I'll take your part
Oh when darkness comes
And pain is all around

Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down

Sail on, silver girl
Sail on by
Your time has come to shine
All your dreams are on their way
See how they shine
Oh if you need a friend
I'm sailing right behind

Like a bridge over troubled water
I will ease your mind
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will ease your mind