Explaining my Insane Hunger and how over eating can suddenly happen quickly - part 1

 

This post is about August 13, 2023 – Part 1, which I considered an important post.

 

I actually wasn't feeling overly hungry earlier - as I was still in an Extreme amount of pain first from earlier in the day – So I wasn't expecting my Insane Hunger to come on - as I had been having trouble eating more due to my Gut Pain. But I noticed my Gut was finally starting to relax a little before 4PM. 

This doesn't always happen, but more often than not a Walk seems to help calm me down enough that it brings my hunger on to eat.  That didn't happened yesterday when I couldn’t eat anything as my Gut was just in too much pain.

But somehow by the time my Mom and I got back after 6PM my hunger was started to show up.

I suspect it was because my Body was finally feeling the starving both from food & water from the Gut pains long enough - that it "suddenly woke up" my hunger.

So when I started to eat my Supperies as my husband and I call Supper, I realized Oh My Goodness I am way more hungry than I expected!! - Uhoh was what I was thinking - as I don't do well with sudden hunger - especially since I knew that my Mom & Brother would be going out to get the bread that was to be donated for the food bank – and I would be left alone for an 1 hour or so.

For the next 4 hours I ended up feeling Insanely Hungry and it caused me to overeat suddenly and quickly.

I had my supper which was mainly protein, but was still so hungry, so because of that I tried to fill it with raw cashews, as I know nuts can sometimes curb my appetite - but I continued to be crazy hungry, so I had some crackers hoping that would help.

But that wasn't enough - I ended up pan frying the last Soy Veggie Burger - which I wanted to finish up as there was only 1 left in the freezer and it was taking up room.  I know I’m kinda weird with the whole trying to finish things off OCD Food Obsessions.

In the meantime - I couldn't stop myself from eating - so I tried putting away some of the mini Almond Cinnamon muffins Mom made, but they started to break apart – so of course then I didn't want those to go to waste 😉- so I started to eat them.

Then all I could think of is - ooh I want to open the bag of Semi-dark chocolate chips Mom accidentally bought.

But I was like NO GIRL YOU NEED TO AT LEAST RESIST THAT IF YOU CAN'T RESIST ANYTHING ELSE.

 

So since I knew there was some Square Block 100% Baking Dark Chocolate around I started on those as they are normally "safer" as even though I can - strangely enough - actually able to eat them without them tasting gross to me - they tend to normally curb that sweet taste I’m looking for that's chasing me.

So I had the 100% chocolate with a bunch of mini homemade Almond Cinnamon muffins, but it wasn't enough - so that I ended up having a 1 large one of it as well.  Then at this point my Soy Veggie Burger was ready.

I had wanted to try to see if a burger would work on a small wrap folded in, and oddly enough it actually worked better than I expected, so that made me happy to know for future reference.  It was like having a small taco burger type thing, which was fun 😊.

Even though from an outsiders perspective, I was starting to likely go into the "danger zone" my Insane Hunger was creeping in too much and how I suddenly was eating more than I should have quickly.  – I kept going as I like to try/experiment/crave foods in different ways.

So when I was suddenly feeling this intense hunger come on - and I often can't handle it - to calm myself down - I try to use it to my advantage of using things up/trying things out, like eating the yummy meals & yummy desserts that I like.

But when your heart is pounding & your hunger is so intense as your body has been starving so long & is so thirsty with the Gut pains causing you not to be able to have those things.

You just can't seem to think rationally.

And with After 4 years of this - pushing to the extreme one way and then the other – it becomes oh so difficult to stop.

And so I had my Soy Veggie Burger.  There were still some mini queses left, which I originally had from Supper, so I had 5 more of them

As I was hoping just maybe with all this Protein I was having that it would Curb my Appetite - as Protein is suppose to help do that. I wanted more but decided I should At least leave 4 left over for me, my Mom or brother for the next day. – that's unheard of me to not finish things off – as I feel this need to eat what’s left even if I am full –  so AT LEAST I DID THAT🙂 ).

At this point I was legit starting to get full, but I still had a little room in my stomach & my cravings & ED of I want to use things up/with the BB dates soon to expire,  overrode my care for my body & hunger.

My next thought was when I got to this point and I could tell my Body is like – Okay you gave in a bunch of times - but Hey we can stop now before it's too Late!!

My Mom & Brother J. were just coming back & I didn't want them to know I had eaten the Soy Veggie Burger so I quickly put on 2 of the 5 Cheese Crustini's, which are like Pizza Pockets, but better to make it seem like that was the next thing that I was going to eat - when shockingly I was still getting more hungry again.

I also wanted to have the Crustini's as I have a bunch of them in the Freezer with the BB dates coming up soon - plus I was craving them.

At this point I was for certain not hungry and quite past my limit after eating the 2 Crustini’s - but I was still looking for a certain taste to end on as I wasn't getting it before that – I realized I was craving more chocolate.

So I decided to have some mini Bueno chocolate - when I heard in my head “Uuuuuttttoooooooooohhhhhh screamed even louder ---- OOOOH I MOST HAVE MORE AS IT'S the TASTE I WAS LOOKING FOR!!!!”.  – So I had a bunch of mini Bueno chocolates.

 

When I had the chocolates it did actually hit the taste I was looking for - but the problem is that - then I realized I only had a few of my mini Reese's chocolates left - so even though I diffidently didn't have any room left in my body for more food.

–I ended up actually forcing myself to get a couple different mini Reese's chocolates in as well - which is really not ideal - especially as you start to not appreciate the taste anymore - and it is causing your body and mind more pain - but yet I kept going with it.

I was doing that - as I had this compulsion of when I started on the mini Bueno chocolates and finished them - I wanted to do the same for my other Reese’s chocolates as I knew there wasn't much left of them in both bags – and at this point I didn’t care how full I was or not.

There is also a part of me that thinks - well if I finish those things it's "out of the house so there won't be a temptation for them."

But that really is a bad excuse - but somehow my “cuckoo brain” rationalizes it and thinks it makes sense.

I know it doesn't make sense to others - but it somehow makes sense to me - though it's for sure not a good thing.

With all that giving in - when I was helping my Mom with the donated bread and pastries for the food Bank that Sunday, which I had been doing for that past few weeks with my Mom while I've been staying at my Mom's place - there have been these yummy cinnamon apple scones I liked – and I have been better about trying to resist them - but the problem is when you have been giving into your temptations over and over again especially all at once – it becomes so much harder to resist them later on.

So I at this point was getting a strong headache, my stomach was crazy past it's limit where I can't really put more in it - as I am in a lot of pain there too – and yet I still "seemed to desire" this scone that was looking at me as I helped bagged the donated bread and pastries with Mom.

Especially when it had all these extra glaze and cream cheese icing on it from the Cinnamon Buns around that got on it.

So me being me I gave in - And in my head I heard myself say – “Oh Patricia what are you doing ☹”  - as it seemed at this point all this food was starting to get me sick.

I loved bagging the donated bread and pastries with my Mom as it was something fun and helpful to do – and there was so much more this week - which was much needed as we didn't have enough bread last week –  and before we were even finished I was already in so much stomach & head pain I gave in for the last time for the night with the a large Yellow Apple Cinnamon Glazed Scone.

But was it worth it to over pushing with the foods when it causes you to stop being able to do the things you actually need to do like finishing helping your Mom bagging Bread for the Foodbank and it also causing you so much physical & mental pain?

 

My addicted/obsessive/compulsive side says Yes! – But the rational part says NO GIRL! - you can't keep doing this!!

 

I said to myself – Yes I see that you are trying to resist in other ways like – not opening the bag of chocolate chips Mom bought - and having a small amount of 100% chocolates instead.

Trying to have more of the queses as well as the Raw Cashews to try to Curb your Appetite, with more Protein - even though that didn't work - and there's this big need to finish things off Rules in your Head Compulsion – at least you still resisted by leaving 4 of them in the fridge after. 

Also even when you were struggling with giving in – you were trying to make yourself not feel so guilty - by having fun with food by experimenting with the Burger on the Wrap to try your best to deal with unexpected hunger - which I soo applaud you for that.

I see that you are just trying to survive this insane life you've let yourself fall into which you don’t know how to deal with.

I see way more than even before now that I've been in an addicted state – that I believe that so many people that are addicted to something it's not the person that's bad - as much as - it's where they end up going to that’s bad - as they never learned how to deal properly as a child - and when they became an adult they never grew up and gave into things that gave them an instant release, which helps for a moment, but they don’t have the patience to find long term pleasure and help.

So they are left in these unexpected situation where they have to make all the life choices and they aren't ready for it - but they have to keep going somehow - and so they don't choose an addicts life - but it takes a hold of them as they don't have the tools like others to resist that awful life that accidentally got themselves into.

 

So I'm learning to not look down on those people and for that matter myself.  But at the same time I have to acknowledge it's a problem that I am having- so when you are at the point where it's not only hurting yourself - and it's hurting others - and it's consuming your life - and especially if you CAN'T STOP IT - then YOU NEED TO ACCEPT HELP or IT WILL NEVER GET BETTER!!!

 

I can see I am at that place - I keep asking people to pray for me and they truly believe I will get better someday even if I really have trouble seeing it.

But when I write these posts and what not, I do see it helping someone else that's out there.  I suspect I'm not the only one out there - that their standard ED of Anorexia - even hehe "Bingearexia"😉 has morphed into a crazy finishing things off and BB Date - even OCD type stuff - GUT stuff issues  - or something so strange most people wouldn't have heard of.

So I am this for those out there that might be like me – as well as for myself to help me get it out in a positive way – and of course to connect more with Elohim (God) as I find when I write I connect with Him the most then.

I soo want to help people through my blog with the experiences I’ve had, so people can see they aren’t alone and there is still help - but in the meantime before I get the help I need, it's still a struggle to get through it.

So though I don't see How I'm Going to Get Better – Elohim Does and so many other people Believe it will happen as our God is sooooo much greater than the enemy that keeps causes people to fall into these awful traps of not only temptations - but of making us feel Guilty, Shame, Ugliness and so much more that we really haven't dealt with.

So when an outsider looks at someone who is addicted and doing all these awful things - remember to have compassion for them and see that they are struggling internally sooooo much - they are just trying to get through life.  Now I am not saying you should accept those behaviours - especially when they are destructive - but it's more of seeing where they are coming from - and to not give up on them - by not only continuing to pray for them - but by trying the best you can to help them get out of that situation if you can.

But of course it's still up to them to accept that help or not - there are times when it needs to be forced.  But if they are reaching out for help - then do what you can to help - but more importantly give it to Elohim (God) because He will get through with them.

As my mom would say to God - I know you've let Patricia go to the edge and look over - but don't let her fall over – and He never has – even with my many suicide attempts - even with my suicidal ideation - even with my anorexia - even with my Gut pains getting me so low and malnourished I almost died, and I wasn't trying to.

I was trying in my own way to save myself by escaping through life – which brought me to an addictive life - but the reality is Elohim (God) was keeping me safe in the Palm of His hand as my Mom and many others kept praying for me.

 

So though I was and am still at times - super angry He didn't let me go and pass away - I know soooooooooooo much He was Right in keeping me here.

I have soooooooooooo much more to this Life - than an ED & Food Addiction and though soooooooooooooooo many people have said that - I don't totally know it in my Heart.

Which is why I know I need help - I suspect a treatment place I'm likely to go to soon will hopefully help me with that.

 

The Reality is Elohim is the only one that CAN HELP CHANGE MY HEART.  I'm so not there yet – But that He is still planting those Little Seeds and is saying to me – YOU CAN TRUST ME MY CHILD - I WILL BRING THAT FREEDOM YOU'VE ALWAYS WANTED WITH ME - JUST WAIT & SEE & BELIEVE & SUBMIT & GIVE IT ALL TO ME & BEFORE YOU KNOW IT - YOU'LL BE THERE <3 <3.

 

So I know this was a lot to read, but I wanted be honest about where I was at with my Food Addiction, Depression, Anxiety, and Mental Struggles, as I know other people out there are struggling as much as me if not more.  Keep fighting for yourself and fighting with our Elohim (God) as He just wants to see us free.

 

Patricia   <3   :)

 

Psalm 18:2     The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, my God, my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.

        

In part 2 called “Help to give up the ‘I need things’ for His Way of Life things – part 2”

I talk more about where I want to get when I continue to struggle even if at times I try to with my best intentions of "keeping me safe".

 

Here’s a song about, that it may be hard to believe, but loves been following you, as all through the stormy night, that our Elohim’s (God’s) light is showing through those times.  And there may be times when you feel like no one cares, but He cares for us, and He will always shows His love to you <3.

 

“Loves Been Following You” by Twila Paris

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wO8sRCw0V9I&list=PL3whQX319DaB37iB8NZpJe206iSdpe3kc&index=96