When Obsessions take over your life – Part 2

 

This is the 2^nd part of the important post  “When Obsessions take over your life” post, which my previous one on Apr. 29-May 1 was about when my obsession with food documenting and eating got out of hand.

 

Today being May 13, 2023 is more about what it’s like to be in an obsessive mental state.

So my ED/Food Addiction Planning/Obsessions/Thinking about, has become so extreme in my mind quite regularly 😟😳😞.

It seems to be nonstop in my mind - and there are times I'll even make myself eat something even if I happened to be in a bunch of pain - because I want it. 

Yet sometimes when that happens, that my Gut relaxes and I feel the Hunger again that can Freaks me out too - especially when it's not a planned time I want to be hungry.

I know you think I would be happy as here I feel my hunger again instead of the almost constant Gut Pains, but having things suddenly happen, even if it’s a good thing can terrify me, if I haven’t prepare for it.  As sometimes when that happens I end up feeling completely out of control – and if I don’t reign myself in – I have at times gone overboard with my eating – and that can really make me feel worse about myself.

On the other hand all this Gut pain stuff I've had these past 3 1/2+ years it's important for me to be a to eat, as sometimes I need to eat through the pain so I can get food in.  So it’s not a simple just eat, or not eat – as I’ve had to plan for years exactly how and when I’m going to eat which causes a constant stress for me.

It's become so messed up of figuring out what's right or wrong - when to give in or not - as for me it's not super clear - so I often lately, especially after having trouble eating due for the Gut pains for years – I give into what I want instead of what I need.

It’s so crazy as my ED can at times ends up subconsciously sneakly use my Gut Pains to Control me enough to get what it/I want – which is trying to get me to only eat when I can get yummy foods – and the rest of the time not eat so that I don’t feel guilty about what I am having & the ED continues to try to push with getting me to a really low weight.

And it can get so bad with the Gut/ED moments that I can at times only eat every couple days which make me “feel better about myself”. – But the reality is the ED is tricking you into think that – it’s a good thing – when really it isn’t ☹.

So it's just so messed up - I feel like a Crazed Animal/Monster that's reeking havoc/devouring things wherever I go.

At first I felt if I gave into it – hoping it would calm down, and it did a first - but then it wants more & more & more of the foods and obsessive thoughts.

So then I tried to Cage this Beast - and even as I get it in - it's still shaking insanely at the cage trying to get out and do more of what it wants.

So I feel like the only way to Control myself/it is through Pain & Punishment – and the thought that came to my mind to try to stop these Behaviours – was about to Hit myself over & over in my Mind to and saying "Stop these Behaviors & Thoughts!!!!" – as unfortunately I don't seem to respond as well to being nice or be loving to myself.  – as my go to for that is to hurt/be mean/punishing myself - which clearly isn't good.

These obsessive thoughts about planning having the food, eating, as well as the anorexic thoughts that put me down, which spirals me out of control with saying negative things about myself is all I can think of.  It’s become my whole life. 

The yummy food obsession helped me originally to get through life, especially the Gut pains years - as it's what kept me "safe" gave me something to focus on - to get excited about - to keep me going for myself through the really difficult times.  I know I had my Hubby, Elohim (God) and Loved ones, but that was something I need to help me for myself daily.

But now it's completely taken over my life & destroyed it at the same time - and yet there seems to be a part of me that thinks "I need it/love it" - it's so crazy & insane.

It makes me Hate myself so much and feel so guilty, especially when it keeps pushing me away in different ways and times from my sweet Hubby, Elohim and Loved ones.

I hate how something - at the time had been so "helpful and good" - for at least to me to get through such hard times, "even if technically to others some might not feel it is" - could become so bad.

I prayed to my Elohim “Oh my Elohim I so desperately need Deliverance of all of this - yet as I kept saying to my hubby, I just don't know How that's going happen or Me getting better when it has such a Gigantic hold on me - it's truly really scary😟😳😞.”

So though showing how hard and obsessive and overwhelming I mentioned things can be, it’s still a good start to admitting that I have a problem and need help.  Knowing that opens up opportunities to let Elohim and others in and see that there is still hope as long as you have breath. 

So those that continue to struggle so much in their own obsessions don’t give up – as maybe we don’t know exactly what the pathway to full healing is – but Elohim (God) does and trust that He will get you there in time as you keep trying to focus on getting better <3.

Patricia   <3  :)

 

Psalm 119:147     I rise before dawn and cry for help; I hope in Your words.

 

Here’s a good song about asking Elohim (God) to break our chains and set us free from our own worst enemy, which is from ourselves.  That you can’t do this battle alone, and to leave this old life and win the new life with our Yeshua (Jesus).

 

“My Own Worst Enemy” by Casting Crowns

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1NlRDQGDvNM&list=PL3whQX319DaB37iB8NZpJe206iSdpe3kc&index=71