Treating My Body like a Garbage Disposal

 

I decided to write an important post on On May 6, 2023 over night as well as and part of the night before I was feeling this super dark stressed out depressed, as my hubby coined the term for me “Trucking” state after my hubby and I’s usual Friday date night movie night.  He calls it “Trucking” as I tend to breathe hard in a stressful way when my gut & mental state is overstimulated, and I’m stressed out at the same time.  Sometimes it can last for a short time, other times it can last all night or part of the day.

And on a cute kinda funny note, since it makes me sound like a truck’s air break “chuff” sound, he’ll ask me where I am going.  So I’ll without thinking say a place like – Vancouver, Toronto, Orlando, or wherever else, and then he’ll know if it’s a “long hall or not”  it’s sweet when he says sometimes he wants to tag along with me on it, which to be honest he really did today, and for that matter Elohim (God).

Anyways during our movie night I ended up having more than I had planned with the Movie Night Yummy Foods, especially with the Chippies, as besides what I shared with my hubby, I ended up having an extra bag of chips just for myself and I could tell that I had pushed it passed my means a bit.

I know part of that was because I was actually hungry, and I don’t feel that all that often.  At the same time there was more than just me wanting it, as I was worrying about it’s BB date being soon as we had a few bags of chips BB date that were soon to be past it’s date.

I know for most people this would be like, oh well, you’ll probably get to it, or maybe, if I can’t finish it in time, that’s fine.  But I have this crazy worry issues/one of my strange ED behaviours where I feel this need and worry to Finish things before they go bad, especially things that I like, and I’ll sometimes push myself more than I should just to get it done. 

Often I’ll stress and think about the different foods obsessively especially if we have a bunch of close BB date ones, as then it’s like “oh my goodness we are going to be wasting food/money if we don’t get it done. 

Another kinda strange ED behaviour I have is that I’ll also sometimes eat through food that maybe not be good/tempting/I’m sensitive to – because I want to “get it out of the house” – which gets me to the whole worry about wasting food/money goes through my mind  type of thing – so I end up getting into my obsessive state of I need to eat all this stuff up quickly.

As I said I know this may be strange, but it’s my “crazy” way of trying to help myself in a weird calming my food/wasting money worries/stresses.

Anyways as I said earlier I noticed just after finishing the Yummy Movie Night Foods - it caused that automatic scary super dark stressed depressed which gets me into my scary trucking state.

So with that I wasn’t doing so great overnight, and by the time it was the morning, I was struggling more.  So then that morning I talked to my hubby about it.

I said to my hubby the I came to the realization that I’ve been “Treating My Body like a Garbage Disposal”, which would explain why I would feel so crappy, both mentally & physically.

I wasn’t doing it every time, as I do still love food, and can be better with it.  But there were many occasions where I’m sending food down in my body that I want to just get rid of, or other times as I said I might waste, or my hubby might, all for what – because I’m worried about the waste of money.

I know the other part of it was also that because me being able to eat so inconsistently at times because of having these gut issues since Sept. 2019, I often won’t be able to eat things for a long time, and there will be food that just sits on the shelf or fridge for weeks, months and sometimes even a year or more – which stresses me a lot about wasting.

When I think about it, it actually makes more sense to me why I’ve accidently fell into this strange ED obsession, as I feel like because I don’t know when I can eat some things again, then I tend to overdo it when I can.

Anyways one thing I know that I’ve been doing for a long time, and not just with my Eating Disorder, but I’ve been hurting my body for a long time.  In the past I used to cut myself, and at times hit myself, an of course I’ve tried to take my life on many occasions – so it does explain the major terror I feel inside of me.

I often feel a lot of stress majority of the time, so I often make decisions where it makes me feel this need to just try to get what I want food or other wise to make me feel better.

And with that often I’ll have it where I just don't care what I do to my body.  This can also be a means of escaping/getting that stress energy out.

So back to what I was saying to have it where I was actually listening to body and that it was saying to me that it's just as terrified and done with being treated this way.  That it was fighting back by being in this super ouchy gut and super depressive dark mental place, as all it wanted in the end was to be listened to and treated well.

So after talking about that with my hubby – I ended up breaking down while being in this super dark stressed “trucking” depressed state.  One thing is true, is you need to be in that difficult state to really experience what’s going on.

With all that realization going on – I ended up saying to my body "I'm so sorry body, I don't mean to hurt you, and that I understand your stress, terror, feeling scared, physical & mental pain, feeling trapped in this body & having no escape & wanting it all to stop/end as it's what I feel too.” I cried and said “I'm so sorry" over and over.

It's interesting after not only talking to my hubby, cuddling with him and being close to him about this body stress stuff, that morning, that “trucking” stress finally calmed down for a short time.

It was so much different, as my intense mental talk & body stress seems to almost always cause me to be constantly on edge/obsessively stressing/worrying thinking/talking in my mind, which has become so automatic.  So to not be able to turn that off is scary and terrible as it’s been like that for so long, especially since my gut issues started back in Sept. 2019.

So it was sooooo good for it to be more then a second – this clear/quiet/more peaceful place in my mind and state.

As my sweet hubby said this probably happened because the body finally had someone to stand up for it, which makes sense that would also affect the mind, so I suspect that the more I do this – the less it probably will feel the need to stress at me.

I suspect that talking and listening to my body more will likely help me get better, and I suspect that it helped me to realize that as I fight and stand up for my body, I’ll actually also be standing up and fighting for myself, which is totally a foreign concept to me, but it’s one I suspect I need to do – to really find true healing. Hehe all this from for once actually listening and talking to my mind and body.

You’d think about stressing and treating my body the way I do, that I’d see this as a concept to help myself, but when you are in such a bad/traumatized place for so long, all you see and do is what you can do to get through another second, minute, hour, and day.

You don’t think much past that or the “long game” as it becomes too difficult to look behind that.

But when you start seeing/experiencing past those times – I think that’s when the change you need and desperately want – will start to happen.

I am so very thankful to my Elohim (God) and my sweet hubby for helping me come to this realization of talking to my body, and helping me understand what it is going through.

As while I’m going through all this intense difficult times, I’m starting to realize that the body and mind experience it too, as we are all going through it.  So thinking this way is a way to make me feel less alone. 

And its helped me to say sorry to my body for all that I’ve put it through.

It ended up really helping my stress today, as it helped me to try and actually face and work through more stuff today, which normally I would always run away from. 

It’s incredible how amazing our Elohim is, that He would keep looking out for us even in these really hard and difficult times.

So though I know how extremely difficult it can be to just keep going, especially when you are constantly at the end of your rope, like I am, and there seems like there is no hope left in site, don’t give up, because you could end up having a breakthrough like this and others that are just around the corner, and it will be worth it in the end that you kept pushing.

Elohim is always there, you just have to be willing to listen not only to what He has to say, but what your body and mind is trying to say.  In the end both just want you in a better healed place.

Patricia <3   :)

 

Romans 12:1    I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship.

 

Here’s a song about Yeshua (Jesus) is a friend of sinners, as He looks on mercy on those that are struggling in so many difficult ways, and that you can’t judge people when each person is a sinner, and our Yeshua looks on us with love.

 

“Jesus, Friend Of Sinner” by Casting Crowns

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ITB-3mOnFqQ&list=PL3whQX319DaB37iB8NZpJe206iSdpe3kc&index=68