Talking about the Frustrated Darkness in Me (Regular+ Counselling)

 

Mon. May 8, 2023
(Thoughts in the morning before counselling)

By the way just a little prewarn that I talk a little bit about going #2 and how it affects me.

I decided to write an important post on On May 8, 2023 the morning before I had counselling I was in a Super Brutal Struggling Mental State😔 – Oddly a little later after BMing my Mental state started to feel not as Intense - so strange how Before & After getting out a bunch of BM - My Mental State can be so Brutal at times - probably because I hold all my Stress, Emotions etc. in my Gut.

In this Super Brutal Struggling Mental State I feel this Intense Darkness coming over me - that pushes me way over the edge to Wanting to Take my Life sometimes.

I was talking to my Body & Mind and asking What's Going on?
I felt it say "I Never Feel Safe" & I said “Neither Do I" – which showed I don’t feel Safe with myself.

It’s strange that often my Brutal Mental Drop/Darkness times have sometimes happened after I've had an extra lot of food with My Usual Evening Snackies or for some reason with the Cereal or & possibly the combination with Almond Milk- but not as much with Movie Night Chippies & Choc.  Those are just some of the examples of times when I may have gone overboard with the food.

Anyways it's hard to tell if it's the Amount of Food, the Type of Food, or possibly the way it is causing me to BM.

As I said before – Oddly a little later today after BMing my Mental state started to feel not as Intense.

It could also be a Blood Sugar thing being off, or something else in my body setting me off, But it's crazy how it can Drop my Mental state to such a Dark Suicidal Place – of course the ED doesn't help with that not liking when I Eat more.

My husband talked about Self-sabotaging - whether it's intention or not - whether I over eat – or eat too little - giving into myself/ED/temptations etc. - just not caring or wanting/being too scared to change – when in the end it’s going against my body and mind – it is still self-sabotaging even if I don’t mean to.

I get scared by that as – I just don't know how I'm going to get to that Other Side of Healing when I'm so Resistant, Scared & Terrified of doing what I Need to Do to get there.

Feeling that way keeps me in this Trapped, Scared, Dark & Suicidal Pressured Places of not being able to get me Forward - but I am also seeing that I can't Stay in my Current Place - as it's getting Worse & Worse each Day, it’s like my feet won’t let me go forward or backwards as I’m stuck and trapped in my shoes and they won’t let me move in anyway, which is so frustrating when I know there’s a way out!!, but I’m too stuck to move anywhere!!

I know that the ED has been a Comforter and Best Friend at times & gets me the Yummy Foods I want. – But it also has been like an Enemy and Drill Sergeant to me.

So as much as it's "helped me" get through things and "help me feel in control" – it's also Hurt me & had made my Life worse.
As well as it's taken me away from Getting Better – And if I let it win the worse case scenario it could also End up Killing Me.

But I don't know how to get rid of it - when there's a part of me that can't seem to Let it Go, which can feel like a lose lose situation.

At the same time I'm Sooooo Angry that my Gut is Sooooo sensitive to Everything – As I seem to have to keep Avoiding/Stopping what I can eat. –Which is Frustrating as then It Super Stresses me when I want to do better - as it's like - Then What Can I Eat, as Everything Hurts me - It seems like a lost cause this way too- as I get scared that I'll end up dying from this Gut stuff too.

When I just want to be able to eat Normally again without Pain or Mental Drops - so I can finally Relax and Move on with my Life.

Actual Counselling:

I had all that stress and darkness and frustrating thoughts come to my mind before my counselling appointment in the afternoon of May 8, 2023.

So When I had my Actual Counselling
My counsellor said with talking to my body and mind with how it affects me when I tried to do better about trying to be Careful about avoiding foods that might hurt me - I would just say Fine I’ll do it!! – even though I don’t really want to.

There’s a Part of me that is just so frustrated with feeling my Gut Pains - that I'll Stop Eating and Listen to the ED  

- But there is still a part of me that wants the Yummy Food – and doesn’t like that I sometimes have to give that up.

–So I'm Like "Sarcastically - Fine I'll Do the Right Thing" But I don't like it and sometimes even in the end it doesn't help.

My counsellor said to say to myself when I am struggling with the yummy foods that might hurt my gut and are a temptation for me.
"I'd like to Eat this Sensitive Yummy Foods - But I'm deciding to not have it now, so I can help my Gut get Better – and that maybe down the road when I'm doing better - I can try them again -as they may be less Sensitive to me.

Also to feel Proud of myself - for when I make better choices for myself & my health.

My counsellor said – There is still an inner child that is trying to express itself and it’s coming out in the – ED as an expression of Freedom - as it can get what it wants/Eat or not eat - and I can control things/my body and my choices.

To try to calm that ED/inner child down acknowledge "It feels so good to look forward to the taste, food, etc. – and mention to it, it likes to do what it wants – But leave it at that – as when you let the food obsessions come on too strongly – like a spoiled child it can Get out of Control – and the Solution of calming yourself down through Eating stops working.

When trying to do better with the Gut stuff and ED to Affirm yourself by Telling yourself – Well Done Patricia for doing Better – by Not giving into the temptations for the Sake of your Health.

It's not an easy thing to do, but it’s worth it if it causes you less pain in the long run.  As I know with my body when I push it overboard it tends to - as I said - push me into a Super Brutal Struggling Mental State - and when I have both the mental and physical states going so badly - it can push me to the edge of struggling to want to live, which can be so very frustrating.

But when I stopped focusing on every sensation and symptoms in my body I was having – and focused on the good things I had instead - like my hubby, loved ones, the sun outside, that I am still alive and more – it helped lighten the Darkness as I started to see more hope that someday things will truly be better.

I know that was Elohim (God) talking to me to not give up, and so I keep pushing on even though I don’t know the final destination because I have Faith He will get me There.

Patricia  <3   :)

Hebrews 11:6    And without faith it is impossible to please Him, for whoever would draw near to God must believe that He exists and that He rewards those who seek Him.

 

Here’s a song about our Elohim (God) breathing life into people so He can help them do what they are meant to do in this life. 

 

“Spirt Wind” by Casting Crowns

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tfQ8b0CdSnk&list=PL3whQX319DaB37iB8NZpJe206iSdpe3kc&index=69