Pressured Night

 

It’s interesting how things can happen after you try to change things and do better. 

I had my counselling session on May 2, 2023, and we had worked through some things and realized that I had put a lot of pressure on myself in Sept. 2019 when I decided to make a promise to my husband and Elohim (God) that I wanted to try to stop taking my life.

Since then I’ve been struggling with gut health and mental health issues.  So it’s interesting that when we worked through trying to so to speak take that promise off the table, as that might have been a too big promise for me to handle, and to give it to Elohim to hold, that I would end up struggling quite intensely overnight.

I didn’t end up sleeping well that counselling night May 2 into May 3 2023 morning, because I felt so warm, which frequently happens when I’m able to get in more food, but I noticed with my gut was being overly full, swollen & pressured, which this night pushed me beyond over the edge.  So that it made me struggle intensely mentally during the night, which ended up making me feel super suicidal.

I felt in such a desperate state so much so, that I had to cry out at first to Elohim to please take this intense Suicidal Pressure thoughts and physical sensations I was feeling away.

But I was also feeling really angry at Elohim that I was getting these intense pressured suicidal thoughts and sensations again, which I had given over to Him that afternoon.

So for that to be affecting me that night, especially since I couldn’t sleep, really upset me.

I realized more so then, since I was getting so angry about that, that not only did I have trust issues with Elohim (God) that I also had an Issue with Elohim that He wasn't going to keep me feeling safe, even when I had just given that over to Him.

It wasn't until I had that sleepy peaceful feeling that I finally calmed down.

When I felt that calm peacefulness after in the morning.  I felt sorry for being angry at Elohim for thinking He wasn’t going to keep me safe.  I do admit that I don’t feel peace that often, so when I get it, it is such a relief, especially after I desperately needed that last night, and for that matter my whole life.

So I realized that maybe there may have been other stuff that was going on - like a lot of these intense pressure struggles that I often put on myself with my own negative thoughts I have with myself, but that often how I feel about myself can affect my body sensations, which seemed to affect my mind and gut during the night, which can put me in a very dark place.

It made me feel like a balloon that is overly stretched out and super pressurized, and all it wants is to desperately release from that pressure.

I have to remember that Elohim is always there to help with that - even if I may not always realize that.

I ended up seeing more Elohim at work after the morning peace on May 3, 2023 when I had a Osteopathic appointment, which was supposed to be 30 min., but ended up being 1hr. 15 min.

My Osteopath was so very kind to let me just talk to him the first 45 min. before he started the treatment.

I ended up bawling my eyes out about how brutal it was last night with my gut and mental state, as well as how difficult it’s been with that for me lately.

Doing that really helped me to release some of that built up "Balloon" pressure I've been experiencing and the treatment he did that as well helped my gut.

And my kind and sweet Osteopath didn't even charge me any extra for what was a 30 min app. in the first place.  It’s by chance that he happened to have that extra time ahead of our appointment to let me let go a bunch of stuff.

I could see that Elohim was there in that - and that He likely knew a Pressured Night would help me get some stuff off my chest and help me feel more safe enough to open up to my Osteopath  later that day.

But I can also tell the last nights Pressured Night was about the enemy trying to take advantage of those intense gut & mental pressured feelings and thoughts I was having that were pushing me even more to the extreme of wanting to take my life.

As I can tell that they don't want me to reach out to My Elohim (God) regularly and to let Him keep me safe and get better.

So I don't think it was a coincidence that I'd feel so desperate again that way that night - as clearly the enemy wants to try to make things worse and get me to go more against Elohim.

So as I was saying earlier it is interesting how something I would talk about in counselling the afternoon before of the whole " I promised I won't try to take my life promise" off the table and give that burden over to Elohim, would so quickly come up.

But I am glad in the end what the enemy may have been trying to get me to cave into either hurt myself or stop trusting Elohim all together, that my Elohim even with my trust issues, would still work things out for the good in a difficult situation.

So for sure I need to work through my trust and anger issues with Elohim, others and myself, but more so to work and trying to figure out what is driving my emotions and stress to so strongly to put me in such a dark place at times.

I also realize that I need to work through my gut and mind sensations, that sometimes they are really strong, and that sucks, but that I don’t have to always go to that dark place when they are coming up. 

I know I put a lot of pressure on myself especially lately with wanting to change for the better with not only my eating disorder, but my whole self-destructive life style, so I know I’m battling that in my struggles of holding onto things too much, and need to let go and give things up, but I just have to keep remembering that I’m not alone in this.

And that He often sends people to come by our side to help us walk through this battle we are having, so that some day we’ll make it to that other side.

So yes there can be intense Pressured Nights during this crazy journey that we are on, but as you deal more and more in those hard times, I imagine it will make it not only stronger, but easier to get through them, especially when you let Him take those heavy burdens from you.

Patricia   <3   :)

 

Deuteronomy 31:8    It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; He will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.

 

Here’s a song about going against different people and thinking they knew better then others, but in the end they actually needed each person to make life workout as amazingly as it has, as our Elohim (God) brings everyone together for the good.

 

“City On The Hill” Casting Crowns

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OpMLPxm9nrg&list=PL3whQX319DaB37iB8NZpJe206iSdpe3kc&index=67