What Fear can do to you

 

I had some Thoughts that I had from the morning of Apr. 3, 2023 that stood out to me.   I have a huge amount of Fear in me, which I generally make majority of my decisions with, which occasionally I make by looking out for myself, but most of the time I make it to run away or freeze in the moment type decision, which aren’t often the greatest thing to do.

I can often make those decisions with not being totally honest with somebody as my fear has taken over me.  I’ve even done that with my hubby as – I often get scared that when I am honest, especially if I did something wrong – that I could end up getting hurt – so I tend to people please by saying what I want them to hear.

So when people try to ask how I am or want to know an opinion of something I ended up not being honest, and said what I think they’d want me to say – as not only are they less likely to get angry – it seemed more likely they would want to leave me alone if I'm more compliant – which I especially had to do with people when I was younger, as when I was a child, if you didn’t do what the person wanted, you would get in trouble, or worse yelled at.  So a lot of fear would come over me to say the perfect thing I thought someone else wanted to hear.

So with this different fears inside of me it unfortunately came into my marriage too.

I For sure know there's a Big Fear in me that thinks possibly something I do will push my sweet hubby over the edge to possibly Leave Me, as he's gotten pretty angry once in a long time enough to make it seem like staying in this marriage wouldn’t be worth the work, so I would end up getting too scared to say much of anything when things got so tense.

I know every couple goes through those times, but it’s hard not to let the fear take over, even if in my or other’s case it’s likely that partner isn’t going to leave them as they love the other so much, but when you are stuck in your own head it can make things seem worse than it actually is.

Often the more you give into those lies of the enemy that they don’t want you, the worse it gets and in a lot of ways ends up becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy.

It’s crazy how fear can make you do worse things then you might not normally do, like I and other people get so scared about feeling I need to have my own needs met, that you start taking things over others.  I remember feeling that during the pandemic when it first started.

You would go into a grocery store and the shelves would be empty because everyone ran to the store in fear about bought all the food as they thought there would be none left.

If everyone just bought what they needed, instead of what they thought I “Had to Grab” like 10 large packages of toilet paper, then there would be more then enough to go around to each person or family.

But it’s like all the thinking goes out the door because people go on “survival mode”.  Unfortunately when that’s how you feel on a day to day basis it really messes you up.

You start to look towards things that will calm you down, even if they aren’t the greatest thing.  It’s like for some people you start to shop for things, and sure it makes you feel better at first, but if it becomes a problem then it can cause you to go into debt, when all you wanted to do was to feel better – but there is no happiness in clothes alone.

When my ED came about for me I would end up having that defiant nature I mentioned in another post to make my decisions out of fear.  Like if I felt like someone was forcing me to do something I didn’t want to do – then felt Compelled to go against what others want me to do – especially if it had to do with food – as oh well if you are going to make me eat something then in my head I’d figure out any possible way to get rid of the food or if I couldn’t to figure out another time where I could starve myself.

Though that wasn’t a good thing for my body, I still out of fear of losing control would do that to calm myself down.

But now that I’m an adult, and especially being married to my wonderful and loving husband.  I realize I don’t want to always keep doing those behaviours both in hiding and up front.  But when it’s something in your head going against you and others for so long it’s not an easy thing to get rid of, as all your consuming fears are tangled up in it, and that can cause guilt, which can keep circling in on itself, which is often where fear becomes a strangle hold.

It's not good when a person feels fear daily so much so that they even feel like they have to do something like writing things down, check on a door 5x, keep looking over the same thing they read 5x because they are do distracted by there own thoughts to remember anything.

Fear isn’t rational, it keeps you in a terrified state so that you are reacting, instead of thinking things through.  I’ve had this my whole life, as well as even in my mother’s womb.  You’d think when you grow up with so much fear, that you would eventually get used to it, but you don’t.

My husband can say “I Love You” 10x, and it won’t hit me until he’s said it another 10x, but by the next day I can think oh my goodness am I really lovelable, does he really love me?  Clearly he does, by fear and self-doubt clouds your mind so that all you see is darkness.

But if for once you can actually let go, and realize Not Everyhing You Think is True, especially for the negative! – Then it help you see, hey Maybe just Maybe after that 100^th time he says it – it penetrates my heart that – Oh My Goodness I Really Am Loved <3 <3.

So though fear can be intense, when you let someone else really truly love you in every state that you are, you can start to learn to accept yourself.

Our Elohim (God) has always loved us.  No He doesn’t like it when we sin, or go against others, or even ourselves, but when we let Him Love Us, and Let Him in, that Love that you felt like you are missing will show up in not just His Peace inside of us, but with those around us too.  So though it’s very difficult to get away from fear when you feel it everyday, remember it’s not constant, as there is always moment’s in the day where you can breathe, and take those moment’s to be thankful – as often that’s when that Peace & Love will show up.

Patricia <3  :)

 

Deuteronomy 31:6   Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.

 

Here’s a good song about when things are hard, but there that when there may be laughter and there may also be pain, and the journey may be gentle, but the journey may have cold winds – but to remember and know that you will never walk alone.

 

“You Will Never Walk Alone” by Point of Grace

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fiE0sZ0rzcs&list=PL3whQX319DaB37iB8NZpJe206iSdpe3kc&index=54