An Identity should be a place you feel at Home with (Counselling)

 

This counselling session I had with my counsellor at the on Apr. 3, 2023 in the afternoon, was going back to the a previous one where we talked about a box prison/room I imagined where I felt trapped and like I can't escape.  Then if I did, then there was monsters waiting for me if I got out the door.

The first monster I saw was the ED monster.  When I looked at this Anorexic monster part of me loved the Anorexia – as it helped calm me down and find a sense of control in my chaotic life and upbringing.
But part of me hated the Anorexic monster – as it's something that overly controls me – and I lost that sense of control again like I did as a child.

My counsellor mention that something we can cling to as we need is to have an Identity, as it help shows us Who We are.  It helps us with making decisions, feelings and who we want to be, etc.

A thought I had for myself was that, your identity should be a place you feel at Home with.  I imagine with that - the way you were brought up in your home could be a factor to what your identity becomes.

As I imagine if you have a positive home life, it’s more likely for you to have a more positive identify you feel at home with.

I also imagine a more negative home life could cause a person to have a more destructive “negative” identity with themselves.

So then If you don't know who you are, and there happens to be a lot of chaos in the home – It could really mess up your identity, as you may not know who you really are there, which can cause confusion within yourself.

With that it could cause what seems like a “good” “helpful” Identity, example like an identity as an Anorexic, to become an unsuspecting “helpful/safe ” destructive home identity, as it’s all you knew, from the confusing chaotic home life you grew up in.

So with that, the Anorexia has become an Identity for me.  It’s one that I’ve had the past 25+ years.

My counsellor asked me what that felt like more for me.  I said it felt good for awhile having the Anorexia as my identity, as it was something to work towards and something I could be proud of.

It helped me with making decisions in life.  It helped me focusing on things that I liked, such as food and weight. I ended up putting it first to everything else - as it gives me a sense of Control.

My counsellor said when thinking about the positives and what’s it’s done, I mentioned that the ED helped answer the identity question of Who am I.

 
My counsellor said that when you know your identity - it can give you comfort, as it can help you take chances to explore things in life connected to that and more.

Having an identity is helpful, as it can help you get through life,

But it doesn’t necessarily mean all identities are good for you like an ED or other harmful things– as in the end they are still destructive, which isn’t a good thing.  Originally I loved my identity of being anorexic, as it’s what kept me going in life, but later I saw how unhealthy it was and not good for me, but I wasn’t sure how I’d change that after having it for 25+ years.

My counsellor again said to think about what you would say to the ED/Anorexia, as even though it has been a destructive thing for you, it’s also been your “safe place” for yourself for a very long time.

My counsellor said you could say to the ED thank you for being here with me, and giving me an identity.  For helping me make decisions, calming me down, and for helping me find some control in my life, especially in a very controlled childhood environment I grew up in.

I also told the Anorexia thank you for helping me stand up and fight against the controlling person in my life and others like that, so that I could do that – by saying “you can’t make me eat or drink this – which is saying – you can’t control me – which gave me some sense of my control back to me.

When I was thinking about all that, I realized that there is this sense of defiance to the Anorexia – and there is a lot of anger there with being controlled.

Normally in a more healthy way, anger is supposed to be expressed outwardly, but with me that was a difficult thing for me to do.

As I didn’t want to show my anger to others as I didn’t want to be angry like my dad.

As his anger was often taken out on my family, myself and occasionally.

But anger has to go somewhere, as it doesn’t go way if it’s not dealt with, and it seems it went into my body, my gut issues, and myself through my ED.

So my counsellor and I were talking about thinking through how to help me with my ED.  He mention that The Conscious mind, which is the one that’s the thinking one, you would think it’s one that you can stop your thoughts with, but that’s a delusion, strangely enough.

I would know I’ve tried to change my thoughts but they are so strong, which makes it a constant battle that I have, as I often have it where I seem to not be able to stop these thoughts and others that cause me so much mental struggles.

The other part is the The Unconscious mind, which is the subconscious emotional (heart) part that’s in yourself and mind.

So my counsellor mention that if you want to get over the ED with just your Conscious mind - it not going to work with it being something that’s so Complex.

He mentioned that also you still need the Unconscious mind – which is the emotional part - to work through it too.

Also that there is likely a spiritual component as there as well -with can be connected to doing destructive things – which there is a possibility an unclean spirit attached to it –making it worse for you.

So I imagine that working through all these things can help to get myself and others better.

My counsellor also mentioned that understanding what the ED part of yourself is really about more, I think will help me to understand myself more.
As my counsellor said, originally it seemed like the ED started with – “I have to have an ED because it's the only thing I can Control.”  As well as “I need this Anorexia as it's the only thing that will give me an Identity.”

So my counsellor suggested for a week to try not to fight against the ED/Monster or try to  Change it at this moment.  To think and identify why I like it, love it, what it’s done for me etc.

As my counsellor said often when you try to force something to change, it can cause you or it to be and think more like a Stubborn Child.  It could cause me and the Anorexia to stomp it’s feet and become even more stubborn & angry to not want to stop it, which in turn could cause it to go more against me.

So my counsellor said that understanding it more should help, and that this would be the softening phase start with trying to get better.

That way you can break it down and see how it helped you and what it did for you at times.

That way maybe someday I can let that part of me go, that I would have used it for the difficult times in the past for me.
So I’m hoping to someday to have a more healthy identity.

But Before letting the ED one go, I think the more I and others want to get better and work on ourselves the more likely one can let that identity go in time, as there is a more pure identity we can get from our loving Elohim.

It’s important to let Him Elohim (God) in more with that.  As I think the more His light shine in us, that the more helpful peaceful identity we need for ourselves and with Him will happen as He helps guides us to where and what that may be.

It truly is amazing how Elohim can show up in a way we aren’t expecting.  As I’ve mention before my counsellor and I pray before and at times, during our counselling sessions to have Elohim (God) as well as his Son Yeshua (Jesus) help guide us where He wants us to go with the session, as Elohim knows what’s best.

So I had taken my own notes for myself the morning before the session as to what I was planning on talking about, as I am very much a planner person.

But amazingly enough we didn’t actually end up doing any of it.  Normally that would stress me out, but this time I decided nope, I was going to be open to letting Elohim guide my counsellor and I as to where we were supposed to go for this session.

And it was a good idea I did, as it helped us start working towards some of my ED/identity stuff instead that has a big hold on me.  So I thanked my Elohim for this unexpected amazing session that you helped us have.

I know that having an identity is important, but finding one that’s a more positive one is as well, as I feel if you let Elohim guide you towards what that may be, then He’ll be able to help bring more of that light towards that truly safe home identity that you need.

I know it’s oh so hard working towards that, especially if it’s foreign to you when it comes to treating yourself in a loving manner, but it’ll be worth it, especially when Elohim helps you get to that other encouraging, helpful, fighting side.

Patricia  <3   :)

2 Peter 1:3   His divine power has granted to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of him who called us to His own glory and excellence.

 

Here’s a good song about the desire to honour Elohim (God) and all of yourself wants to praise and adore Him for what He’s done – that you give Him your heart, and soul and to live for Him alone <3.

 

“This Is My Desire” by Hillsong

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eF9u7pBBTAI&list=PL3whQX319DaB37iB8NZpJe206iSdpe3kc&index=51