Boxed in a Room (Counselling)

 

I decided to write about March 7, 2023.  I have been struggling for such a long time when it comes to my mental struggles.  I find it very difficult to fight against my depressed and anxious mind.  I find that either the depression can feel so deep sometimes that I don’t feel like I can do anything, and often I just don’t want to be here.

Or other times my anxiety can get so intense it drives me mad, as it seems to want to do everything, and worry at the same time, which again causes me to not want to do anything as it’s too overwhelming.

I was having my session with my counsellor, when I felt those overwhelming feeling come up and he asked me what it felt and looked like for me.  I ended up describing what I felt it looked like when those intense mental struggles were going on.

When I first thought about it, it made me think about being trapped in a box.  The box was brown and square shaped.  I noticed that there was no way to push the lid up, to get out of it.  It made me feel like I couldn’t breathe, and that I was boxed in and stuck in this really stressed-out moment.

But as he had me describe it more, I realized as I breathed a little more, that the box ended up turning into room with no windows.  This room had a door, which was currently locked.  I realized that as I was really struggling, that the box and the room were the same, as I felt boxed in a room with no way out.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized that this box and room was my mind.  I saw myself running around and around in it, feeling so very overwhelmed, and the worse I got, the smaller it would become, which would cause it to become a box.  Then as I got a little better or more, even when things were still difficult, it would became a room, all this was going on in my mind.

While I was in this stressed-out mental state, all I wanted to do first was to get out of the place I was in.  I would freakout and try to lift up the lid aggressively when my mind was in the box state, and when it was in the room state, I would grab at the door and try shaking it with all my might to get it to open.  In both situations the lid and the door wouldn’t budge.

So then I would hit all the walls in the box and room as I felt crazed with terror of not being able to find a way out.  If you couldn’t tell, these are little to large panic attacks that keep going on inside of me.

So when my counsellor said what if you brought Yeshua (Jesus) into the room.  I decided to try that and still I kept ending up running around, even with Him there.  I felt that if I stopped running around and around I would collapse and not be able to recover to get up again, which could cause me to give into not wanting to be here, and possibly trying something connected to that.

Eventually my counsellor mention about what about if I tried to open the door with Yeshua (Jesus).  I thought oh well maybe I’ll try, and my other thought was maybe if He could get it open then I could run away quickly.

So I let Him open it for me, and as the door became unlocked, I expected there to be a clear path for me to run out of, but to my surprise I ended up seeing a bunch of huge monsters there at the door that I wasn’t expecting.

So of course I closed it as fast as I could, as I didn’t want to let any of the monsters in.  Then quickly after that I ended up cowering in the corner, as I never wanted to go up against or “deal” with those monsters that were just outside the door.

I realized then, that I had actually been the one to put myself in this boxed room, and that it was the fear that I felt that caused me to completely trap myself in there, as it felt safer to run away to this place, then to have to be outside and deal with the monsters that were there. Which if you think about it, I was the one to actually make a prison for myself in my mind.

Not seeing a way out of all that completely terrified me.  Then my counsellor said why not have it where instead of having all the monsters come in at the same time, that to have Yeshua let one in at a time, so that it would be easier for Yeshua and I to help me deal with it together better.

I didn’t want to at first, but then I thought, well one is better than a whole bunch of monsters all at once, so I said okay to it. 

So I let the monster/issue in, and I could see it run at me, but then Yeshua came in front of it to protect me, so that I could take the time to figure out what it was, where it came from and how to manage or get rid of it.

So I named what one of the monsters/issues was, and I told Yeshua how this monster got me so obsessed, that I just couldn’t stop thinking and indulging in it.  My counsellor said that Yeshua was Lord over this monster and related issues and that He could catch it and take it out of the box/room and put it in a cage, so I didn’t need to think about it for a time.

Now this didn’t totally solve the monster problem or totally getting rid of it for me, but at least it helped calm the monster/my mind down for a time so that it was more manageable for me.

That’s when I realized catching the monster may having been helpful, but that the most ideal situation would be to not having the monster come back at all, as with it still near by, and in a cage, it could still easily get out of it’s cage and walk back into my box/room/mind, if I left the door unlocked, which I did at times.

So when I thought it about it that way, it showed me that there were still underlining issues that were coming from this monster in the first place. 

As my counsellor and I talked more, we began to see that a lot of the monster’s that I had in me, were from past memories and that we had to deal with them first, before they could completely go away. 

I realized that when there is a monster in you that has a strong hold on you, that it won’t be easy for it to go away, or leave the room, as it is wound so much deeper there.

It's like a virus, that if you don’t give a strong enough cure for it, it will keep coming back.

So as my counsellor and I went back to those difficult memories, we talked about those difficult feelings I had with them and to imagine what Elohim (God) and Yeshua (Jesus) felt about them. For me there was a lot of pain and blame there, with what I felt about myself and what went on. 

So Elohim showed and explained to me about how not all those things that went on, was my fault, as I was younger and much more naïve.  Elohim tried to help soothe me, to try to help me to accept and believe those things to be true.

That was a hard thing for me to do, as I believed those negative feelings about myself and the situation so deeply, as I felt I had possibly been a factor in those difficult times and memories, and that I likely brought in the monster in the first place.

My counsellor then asked me to help myself, by asking Elohim for any forgiveness I may have needed for that time.  Then Elohim forgave me, which was still a hard thing for me to accept, as I felt so bad about it at times, but I tried to accept His forgiveness of that situation and me.

But then I mentioned that when it came to me forgiving myself, it was so much harder, as I just couldn’t help but let that critical judge/self take over and get after me, as it’s all I knew.

So my counsellor told me to thank my Elohim for forgiving me, and even if I couldn’t forgive myself at this moment, to say it again and again to remember that, “Elohim forgives me, and even though I don’t feel that for myself just yet, that in time with Elohim’s help, He will help me to where I can accept forgiveness of myself.”

And the more I accept and do that, the I more it will get me closer finding that love Elohim has for me.

I imagine the more we accept forgiveness and love, the more I believe it will help us to accept ourselves. 

I think as we work through those things, then the less that monster will have a hold on us, and the smaller it will become, so that one day it will actually disappear and be gone from our box/room/mind.

I know there is a chance that this may take a lot of work, but I believe that it’ll be worth it in the end, so that one day we can be set free by Elohim (God) from the prison we made for ourselves, and to become that person He and you always wanted to be.

Patricia  <3   :)

 

Psalm 31:4    Keep me free from the trap that is set for me, for You are my refuge.

 

Here’s a gentle song about how much we want to worship Elohim and all that He’s done for us.

 

“So Will I (100 Billion X) by Hillsong Worship

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fyYn21RdBBQ&list=PL3whQX319DaB37iB8NZpJe206iSdpe3kc&index=41