Dealing in the moment

 

On October 3, 2016 I was thinking a little while ago when my husband Nathan and I were cuddling with each other when at some point I got triggered by something.  I’ve had this happen in the past and I would try to ignore it if I could, but I realized that this time I shouldn’t ignore it.

I admit that I’m the type of person that is not that great at dealing with things that upset me.  Before I used to use negative coping mechanisms to get through the hard times, but lately I’ve been better about working through the tough times constructively.

I came to the conclusion recently that if I wanted to deal with some of the hard things of my past I would likely need to work through it when a trigger or distraught memory came up.  I had tried in the past to do this on my own, but often it became too overwhelming for me to handle.

My hubby and I were sitting on the couch and I felt that going to our bedroom would be easier for me to focus on what I needed to work through.  As much as I wanted to completely rely on Nathan to help me through this hard time we both acknowledged that God was the one that would carry me through this trigger of mine.

I went to the bedroom and sat on my bed.  Nathan came not long after and laid on the bed quietly as he let me hold his hand.  I then felt that I was ready to finally deal with my past in this moment.  I started to talk and pray out loud about what I was feeling right then.  I was completely vulnerable with God about how distraught I was with some of the elements of my past.

I was shaking, crying and had many tears rolling down my face.  At first I couldn’t hear God’s voice, but as I felt God’s peace I started to calm down and relax.  I stopped praying out loud and started praying in my head.  At one point I started to hear God speak to me.  He encouraged me and helped me to see that I would never be alone and that I had a husband that would forever love me.

I worked through more things with God, when He brought me to a place I never expect Him to bring me; He brought me to myself.  At that moment I envisioned two of me standing face to face.  I felt that one of the girls was my current self, and the other girl was a side of me that I didn’t want to acknowledge.

When I looked at the girl I was trying to ignore I realized that by trying to forget her I was actually hurting her.  I am the type of person that cares about everyone, but I couldn’t care for that girl inside of me.  When I did let that girl in, I felt I needed to hurt, be mean, cruel and even hate this girl as I didn’t like anything about her.  At some point I saw that what I was doing to this girl was wrong.

When God was showing all of this to me I finally acknowledged I had to say sorry and ask for forgiveness for what I had done to this girl.  When I heard this girl actually forgive me, I just couldn’t believe she would do that for me as I felt I was the worst person in the world to her.  I completely broke down and balled my eyes out.  That’s when I realized that God was showing me how I was treating myself and that I needed to forgive myself.  Before now I felt I could never forgive myself as I didn’t like myself, but when God showed me outside of myself how awful I’ve treated myself, I saw that I had to accept that was not alright.

Often people remember to forgive others that have hurt them, but in a lot of ways the most important person to forgive first is yourself.  I’ve learned this the hard way as I’ve held onto my pain for so long that I ended up hurting myself so much more than anyone else has.  God really helped me to see that in forgiving myself I could finally deal with my past as well as find peace within me.

I am for sure still a work-in progress type of person, but I found after dealing with my trigger with God, He was able to make it manageable.  It’s really important even in your worst moments to reach out to Him as He will reach back.

Patricia <3 J

Matthew 6:14      For if you forgive others their trespasses, Your heavenly Father will also forgive you.

 

Here’s a post about feeling confusion and despair, but that even in that we will not fear, because our Lord is there with us.  That even in that deep valley we will find that comfort, as we will know He is near. 

  That our help comes from God and He will pull us through our weakness, sickness, and brokenness as He will put us onto His shoulders.  That He can mend what was shattered, and help our tears turn to laughter, and as He forgives us, He helps save us, as we can feel His endless mercy.

 

“Shoulders” by For King & Country

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k5NnzYK5tFA&list=PL3whQX319DaB37iB8NZpJe206iSdpe3kc&index=155